Everything is for sale with these whores

So Wayne Rooney has been caught with his pants down...again.

The papers are full of news that he cheated on his wife when she was pregnant with a £1000 a night prostitute.

It's the second revelation already this season about footballers and hookers and we're only three weeks in.

Peter Crouch had a similar lapse of judgement with a teen prostitute in Spain.

Are these guys too stupid to realise that if a girl sells her body for sex, pretty much everything is for sale, including her story when she has a famous sportsman as a client?

Muppets!

Ssh! Here's a secret the entire world now knows!

I just read a headline on a news website that says: "Jennifer Aniston secretly dating John Meyer".

It's not much of a secret is it? Not if I've read about it on the internet, which is pretty much available anywhere in the entire world.

A hint to any headline writers at newspapers, magazines or websites, if you're writing about it, it's not a secret.

Muppets.

Don't make me tell you twice to give it a rest!

Have you heard that new Rihanna song with Eminem?

I think it's called "I love the way you lie" or something like that. It's about domestic abuse.

In it, she sings "You're gonna stand there and watch me burn, but that's alright because I like the way it hurts."

You didn't like it too much when your boyfriend was doing it for real did you love?

I have nothing against Rihanna. She's made a few catchy tunes and seems a bit vacant but what I can't get over, literally, is her really big forehead.

It's like the old Tefal advert from the 80's. It's like the Coneheads pulled an Angelina Jolie and adopted a baby from the Caribbean.

What's that all about?

With all her money you'd think she'd be able to afford some kind of operation to bring her hair forward a bit.

William Shakespeare, John Lennon, they ain't got nothing on you!

Have you heard that song by some fella named Bob, well, B.O.B?

"Nothing on you" is the name of it.

Sample song lyrics are:
Baby, you the whole package, plus you pay your taxes
you keep it real while them others stay plastic
You're my wonder woman call me Mr Fantastic
Stop, now think about it

Ok then Bob, I have been thinking about it and I've arrived at the conclusion that this is a complete pile of s.h.i.t.

Fair enough, the chorus is quite catchy and it's not a bad song but when you actually listen to the words you can't help but think William Shakespeare must be rolling in his fucking grave hearing bollocks like that. He's no John Lennon is he?

The fact that he says this girl is the whole package, but then feels the need to add that she pays her taxes suggests to me that his track record with women is not the most impressive.

Sad news..

Last night my wife decided she wanted to go out to eat.

That's not the surprising part.

The but that caused shock on the part of yours truly was her suggestion that we go to Yank Sing.

Yank Sing is only my favourite restaurant in the whole world.

It's a cheap and cheerful Chinese buffet near where we live but I like it. I've been to some nice restaurants around the world but if I was given the choice to go to only one restaurant for the rest of my life, that would be it.

I used to go there, not a lot, but quite often, until my wife announced that she didn't really like it, hence the shock when we suggested we go there for the first time in about two years.

Excited, and hungry, off we went, pulling in to the car park. We managed to get a space right in front.

It was then I looked up and got that eery feeling that something wasn't quite right.

The neon Open sign was not lit. The place looked abandoned.

Yank Sing has closed down.

I was in shock, and suddenly felt lost.

Now what?

Pulling out of the car park, I couldn't help blaming my wife. It was probably the lack of our custom that put them out of business.

So off we set to another Chinese buffet that I used to like. I can never remember the name of it as it was always second choice but I could remember where it was.

We pulled into the car park again and guess what?

It had closed down.

Two for two.

My wife was in hysterics while I couldn't even muster up anything to say. Then my stomach let me know it was still hungry.

We did finally find somewhere to eat, although it wasn't a Chinese buffet.

The lesson here is that if you have a favourite restaurant, don't let your wife stop you going because this could mean that the place goes out of business and no one gets to go.

Don't let your wife ruin it for everyone!

Support your local Chinese buffet. Now, more than ever.

RIP Yank Sing.

Watching muppets watching TV of other muppets three feet away from them is not entertainment!!

America's got talent don't it?

Apart from the grammatical incorrect title of this TV show, it has recently slumped to a new low.

After the auditions have finished, the next step takes place in Las Vegas where all of the acts are grouped together depending on their genre and are then seen by the judges.

This is a good opportunity for them to check out their competition and see what they're up against.

And thanks to the editor of this show, it is a chance for the people watching at home to see the first part of the act, then watch the other people backstage watching the act on a monitor before cutting back to see the judges reaction, before cutting back to the act themselves for the final 3 seconds.

You basically get to see very little of the act, and see the back of people's heads while they comment on the act, before seeing the judges badly edited reactions that have no bearing on what they're actually seeing.

The editor of this show certainly don't got talent!

Sort it out!

Please annoy me so I can get mad about something!

I've recently noticed that our dogs are just like Daily Mail readers.

They stand at the front window of the house just waiting to be annoyed by something outside, whether it's a neighbour walking passed, a bird, or heaven forbid, another dog going for a walk.

Woof woof woof woof bloody woof!