Remind me later to hunt down the bastard responsible and chop his bollocks off so I can throw them into a fire ant's nest

You know what really bugs me about computers?

The way that certain companies who are there to protect your computers from viruses, and McAfee I'm looking at you, plant unstoppable pop ups to remind you that your service has expired and your computer may be in danger!

This is regardless of the fact that they take out the annual fee automatically from your credit card every year because you have no idea how to stop it.

And there's no way of stopping these pop ups. The only options are a) renew now, or b) remind me later.

Remind me later??

What about option c) Fuck off you robbing bastards and never darken my door ever again?

That's the one I would almost always select. Probably.

So as it is, you get the same pop up every single bloody day and it's usually when you're in the middle of typing something long and you don't realise straight away until you look up and notice that the computer has been ignoring you.

Local news could fill these pages for years if I watched it more often

Houston's local news continues to entertain, almost as much as Man City supporters!

The other day, for some reason I caught a little bit of the local news before I was able to reach for the remote to switch it off.

They were running a story about a 70 something local bank robber.

So far, fair enough. The local news should be telling people that a bank in the city was robbed, regardless of the robber's age but as usual, they got a bit carried away.

As the adverts were approaching, they needed something to keep us hooked so we didn't change the channel in the four minutes they'd be gone.

The best they could do was: "Local robbery suspect. We reveal a possible motive. Coming up!"

Or, if I may translate: "We have absolutely nothing else of interest to cover on today's local news so we're going to throw out some wild speculation based on nothing! Please come back, our ratings have been terrible lately and there may be cut backs."

Muppets!

Giddy Bitters

Man City fans keep me entertained.

They're usually so bitter at not being born reds that they spend the rest of their lives trying to outdo United and usually end up looking stupid.

Which brings me on to Chris Atkinson, a Man City fan from Altrincham. When City were taken over by the Arabs to become the richest club in the world, their fans, not to mention their Chief Executive Garry Cook got a little bit carried away with the players they could now afford to sign.

City put in an audacious bid for Brazilian Kaka commonly thought to be the best player in the world at the time.

Regardless of the fact that a player like Kaka would never sign for a club with no history of success since the middle ages and such comical fans, that didn't stop our hero Chris Atkinson getting a bit carried away and getting himself a Kaka tattoo on his chest.

Chris wasn't done there and followed up with a Robinho tattoo. Luckily, Robinho was so desperate to find a new club, and actually thought he was signing for Chelsea on transfer deadline day, he did join the blues. Only he hated it so much and recently returned to Brazilian club Santos on loan.

I hope these people never learn from their past "success" and continue to jump the gun and entertain the masses for a long time to come. Bless 'em.

John Terry's second biggest slip up

John Terry has been sacked as captain of England for having an affair with a team mate's wife, getting her pregnant and paying for an abortion.

Blimey! The tabloids are loving this!

I really hate the way the media start up a campaign in order to sell newspapers or advertising for their TV stations based on bullshit.

John Terry's private life has nothing to do with his ability as the captain of a football team. If you're looking to footballers to be role models for your kids they're probably already in big trouble. It's the parents job and they should quit making excuses because they raised a little piece of shit.

The only reason I can see for John Terry to be sacked as captain is if the rest of the England squad are more worried he'll shag their missus while they're busy scoring on the pitch!

The blurry screen is giving me a headache!

I was watching the Grammy's the other day and they had a tribute to Michael Jackson, which is fair enough, but for some reason it was in 3D.

Why all of a sudden to TV people expect everyone at home to own a pair of 3D glasses?

I've never seen a shop selling them, I've never seen any adverts on telly advertising them, and I've never heard anyone talking about buying a pair.

So why is everything on TV suddenly in 3D?

Anyway, Celine Dion's nose is big enough to almost come out of the TV and poke you in the eye anyway.

The downside is that if you're not wearing 3 D glasses, everything is blurred so you can't see what is going on and just end up with a headache!

Quit digging and trying to escape, you are not the littlest hobo!

We've been having a bit of trouble with Busby lately.

He turned two last month so it's probably a case of the terrible two's, only he's been like this since we got him but recently he's been tearing up the garden trying to get under the fence.

One day last week I came home a bit early to watch a football game (United v City in the League Cup semi-final 2nd leg. United 3-1 won to get to the final).

The strange thing was that only Boomer met me at the door so I asked my wife where Busby was. She didn't know so we set about looking round the house and garden for him and shouting his name. Nothing.

He's escaped before into one of the neighbours gardens at the back but this time we couldn't see him.

We drove around the neighbourhood to see if we could find him and then drove down the main road near the house to see if there was any sign but again nothing so we returned home for another look.

I got my ladders out and started looking over neighbours fences to see if I could see him anywhere but no luck.

My wife was getting really worried at this point and decided she wanted to look into our next door neighbours garden as he'd got in there earlier that day. They keep their gate locked as they have a pool but undetered, my pregnant wife started kicking down the fence and climbed through to see if he was there.

We searched the garden and found a spot under their fence that looked like something (maybe a very small naughty little white dog) had dug through. This was a worrying development as our neighbours house backs on to the main road.

I've seen dogs dumped at the side of that road a few times so it obviously crossed my mind that this could be what we found.

We drove around the neighbourhood again and asked a few people in the street if they'd seen him but still nothing. The good thing was we didn't see a body dumped by the side of the road.

When we got home again I checked the phone and their was a message. Two girls had found Busby in the busy road trying to get himself killed. They very kindly picked him up and called the number on his collar and then brought him home.

The cheeky little blighter still hasn't learnt his lesson so we've had to keep the dog door closed and only let them out with supervision.

So, Busby, if you're reading this, why are you always trying to escape? You are not like the Littlest Hobo always moving on to a new adventure in a new town.

Stop it!

Yes, I paid, so I bloody should get one when I buy one!

In the US they have these special deals called Buy one, Get one.

It's similar to the deals you get in Britain except it doesn't make sense.

In Britain, they have Buy one get one free offers, delightfully abbreviated to BOGOF. This is a good deal. You buy something, and get another identical item free, so you end up with two for the price of one, or both of them for half price, however you want to look at it.

In the states its Buy one, Get one.

So if you buy one of something you get one of the things you bought. That's not a deal! That's just how shopping works!

If I buy one, I should bloody well get the one I bought.

If only they added that extra word at the end of the offer it would make much more sense.