Just spit it out you moron!

We were watching America's got talent last. If ever a show was mis-titled, this is it.

Just look at the panel of judges, one appeared on tv 20 years ago and has been pretty much a joke ever since (except in Germany), the one in the middle married a musician and screeches a lot, and the one on the end is a disgraced newspaper editor who was forced to resign over the publication of fake photo's depicting soldiers abusing prisoners during the Iraq conflict.

But the thing that really pisses me off is the way they tell people whether they are through to the next round or not.

It's not just a simple yes or no. That would be too easy. The public need to be on the edge of their seat while the judges say things to try and make you think they're going to say the exact opposite of what they're actually going to say. Such as 'I'm sorry to tell you that you are about to hear something that will make you realise that might not be what some people are looking for and there is no other way of saying this but you are not going through...(dramatic pause)....the exit door tonight and are not in the next round....(another dramatic pause)...of cuts and in fact are not leaving the show just yet.'

What is the point in all that?

It must be torture for the contestants as they're left completely confused about whether they got through or not but it does not make for good television. It just makes the judges look like manipulative pricks.

You can pretty much judge them as soon as they walk on stage so a simple yes or no will suffice!

Muppets.

What is the point in being coy about your age when your wrinkles give you away?!?

Why do some people (mostly women) not like telling people how old they are?

Someone at work decided they were going to ask people when their birthday was but were sure to clarify that they didn't want to know the year people were born as most don't like giving out that information.

Here's a newsflash for you: Most people already know roughly how old you are. The wrinkles on your forehead give it away. If you're past a certain age then it's unlikely your neck looks like that of a spring chicken (probably more of a turkey to be honest).

It's not like you're going to tell someone you were born in 1965 and then have them faint in shock as they thought you were 17!

I suppose it works the same with weight. If someone told me they weighed 400 pounds, it probably wouldn't come as a surprise to me that they were fairly hefty. There would be other clues I'd like to think I'd pick up on first.

So what is the big deal??

Make up your mind people, do you want a hug or a kiss??

I'm not the most sociable person.

It's not that I don't like social situations, but if someone is having a party, I like to slip in and out pretty much unnoticed. I don't want to spend the first hour walking round making sure I've said hello to everyone, and then another hour saying goodbye.

Once I've had enough and it's time to go, I just want to leave.

Obviously it's polite to thank your hosts and say goodbye to them but that's it. Ok, I'll say bye to anyone I happen to pass on the way out too.

The reason I don't want to go around saying hellos and goodbyes is because of the whole hug and kiss confusion.

With blokes, I'm ok. I know all I have to do is shake their hand. If you see another bloke you know and they're not within hand shaking distance, a simple nod of the head will suffice. Both parties are happy with that.

Women are a whole other kettle of fish.

Some women just want to give you a hug. Some women want to give you a hug and a kiss, some want to give you a hug but want a kiss from you and others just want a kiss with no hug.

How can I possibly keep up with the huggers, and the huggers & kissers??

It's not like I can keep a log as most of the time there isn't chance to consult it before one of them spots you and moves in. By this time it's too late and you'd just end up hitting them in the face with your notepad and that's no way to announce your arrival at a party.

Do you go for the hug and run the risk of leaving them hanging or kissing the back of your sweaty head?

Or do you go in for the cheek kiss and risk upsetting them further? You're already leaving so they're sure to be pretty upset to begin with.

Just when you think you've seen it all someone will come up with a new combination that just leaves you stumped.

Recently, we met an old friend of the family and knowing there would be a hug and/or kiss situation at the beginning, I did the only thing I could do and hid behind my wife so I could prepare and see what I was in for. The two women hugged and that was it. Ok, I can handle that, or so I thought.

The lady in question then approached me. She was a couple of steps away so I had time to get in position, only she wasn't getting in position and she was almost upon me by now.

There was an awkward pause that lasted almost the entire night. Well, probably about 3 seconds but it seemed a lot longer at the time. She still wasn't budging.

This time there was to be no hug. She went straight in for a solo kiss. A kiss with no hug. What's that about? And a kiss right on the lips at that!

How can I keep up when they change the rules from person to person?

She was an older divorcee by the way so do I take that into account? Do I need to keep a log based on a person's marital status and age?

As you can see, this is a potential minefield. Can we all agree to a set of ground rules then? I don't mind if it's just a hug, or a hug and a kiss, or just a hug to say hello with the kiss added to say goodbye as long as we all agree and stick to it.

Maybe in future the host can add it to the invitations so we're all on the same page? Or we could all wear badges.

Until then I'll probably be happy with a quiet night in.

Attention whores will fade away and die if you ignore them for just one day!

Another thing that gets on my nerves is Facebook status updates.

Most are ok but you get some people who like to put really pretentious and vague updates just begging people to reply with 'ooh, is everything ok?', or 'are you alright? Is there anything I can do?'.

I saw one the other day where the person in question is known as somewhat of a drama queen and she'd put such a status update on her page. There were about 8 responses when I looked but I thought it was funny that not one person had taken the bait and given the person what she craved They just gave her a 'WTF!' and moved on. Brilliant.

People like this are attention whores, nothing more and you know what, they live and breathe on the oxygen of the attention you give them. If you ignore them, they will fade away and leave your life forever.

You know it makes sense.

If winning the lottery won't change you what is the point??

You know who I don't understand?

Lottery winners who hit the jackpot and win millions and then proudly declare "It won't change me".

If it won't change you, what is the point??

If you're happy with your life as it is, why are you playing the lottery?

I don't know about you, but if I won big on the lottery it would change me. That's why I would buy a lottery ticket. I wouldn't keep working. I wouldn't live in the same house. And I certainly wouldn't keep doing the same things I've always done because let's face it, we live our lives the way we do because in most cases we can't afford to live the way we want to! Having twenty million in the bank will allow me to do the things I've always wanted to do. It would also give me chance to change the lives of people close to me.

I'm not saying people can't be happy without money, but to play the lottery, there has to be something more you hope to have one day?

So if the money won't change you, give it to someone whose life it will change. There are plenty of people in need of some help in this world!

Muppets.

Brace yourself for the fruits of my preparation

I love the language newspapers use during the transfer window silly season.

Teams that don't want to sell a player are always "bracing themselves", or "preparing for a bid" for their man.

In what way are they "bracing themselves"? Are they all stood nervously around the fax machine biting their nails down to the cuticles?

At the same time, buying clubs are "getting ready to launch a bid".

How exactly? Do they scribble it on a bit of paper, screw it up then drop it into a readily positioned cannon and fire it at the other clubs window?

Doesn't the Chairman of one club just phone the other up and ask him if the player is for sale? Or maybe he sends them an e-mail? How much preparation does it take to e-mail "I'll give you £20 million for so and so"? You probably couldn't get both of the So twins for £20 million anyway but I was just making a point.

(There aren't really twin footballers who go by the name of So, at least I don't think there is, and if there is, it is purely co-incidental)

We cannot read your signs you muppets!

As it hasn't rained for 4 years, well, not really but it seems like it, the water company for our neighbourhood have decided to impose restrictions. It only covers watering your garden at the moment but they didn't actually bother to tell anyone.

One day last week, scruffy little signs suddenly appeared stuck in the grass verge by the side of the road on the way into the neighbourhood. The signs weren't clear and were probably missed by most people used to all of the "Garage sales" signs put up in similar fashion.

Confused, my Wife looked at the company's website but there was no mention of any restrictions.

As my Wife is on the homeowners board, and runs their website, the following day she called the water company for more information so she could let everyone know, only nobody in the office knew anything. They promised to get back to her but that was a week and a half ago now so I won't hold my breath.

How can something as serious as drought restrictions (as that's what the signs say) be handled so hap-hazardly? Why is there nothing on the website? The signs do give a web address is you have unbelievable vision but what is the point?

Nothing has been mailed to the resident's so no one is any the wiser.

When you get close enough to actually read the signs, they're telling being to alternate the days when they water their garden, and only between the hours of 8pm and 6am.

I've actually been to a meeting with the water board. My Wife dragged me to one kicking and screaming last year and I've never seen a group of public servants treat the people they serve with such contempt. Now I think about it, water boarding is probably too good for them.

So we're just going to carry on as normal. That is watering our garden whenever we remember regardless of the time or day thank you very much.

Muppets.

Where's the giraffe's??

Did you notice the whole media circus surrounding the death of Michael Jackson?

Did you spot Anderson Cooper riding his unicycle passed the TV cameras? No, me neither.

I'm sure it would have been a lot more fun if it actually was a media circus. I think Michael Jackson would've appreciated that considering the resident's he shared his Neverland ranch with (monkey's, giraffe's, sick little Mexican kids etc).

Imagine if we saw Larry King swinging on the trapeze clasping hands with Bill O'Reilly, doing some magnificent Cirque Du Soleil move, or Katie Couric bringing the bearded lady routine a touch of glamour.

All of this would be started off with Geraldo arriving in a car that proceeded to fall apart leaving him exposed in the seat holding a steering wheel in his hand.

Magic.

It will be hot and sunny every. single. day!

They say if you don't like the weather in Houston, wait half an hour and it will change.

Really?

Today it was hot and sunny.

Yesterday was hot and sunny.

Tomorrow will be hot and sunny.

In fact, you can pretty much guarantee that between April and October, every day will be exactly the same. Hot and sunny.

After October, it will be slightly less hot but mostly sunny until April when the whole cycle starts again.

Fox Views

I see Fox News are still donating most of their schedule to complaining about other networks' coverage of Michael Jackson.

I don't watch Fox News much but my Wife does so it is sometimes on when I turn on the TV.

The other night a show came on and the host told us how he was sick of the blanket coverage of the death of Michael Jackson and he certainly wouldn't be wasting his show on the same story.

Fair enough, if he didn't then have three guests from various areas of the media who had been invited in to discuss both the death of the King of Pop and the media coverage of it.

Are they for real?

They delight in telling us how people are sick of the same coverage but then go on and spend all their time on the same thing!

I'm not being hypicritical myself. I don't care about the coverage of Michael Jacksoin. I don't watch it but if that is what people want to see, and the ratings show that it is, then the media will continue to cover it. My problem is just with some in the media spending time covering others coverage of the issue and complaining about it.

Mr Outraged

Last night, while having a cup of tea, my Wife turned on the TV and it was already tuned to Fox news. Bill O'Reilly was on with a couple of guests discussing the death of Michael Jackson.

Bill O'Reilly was talking about how a big news story always breaks when he is on vacation (he was in Switzerland last week), and how he refused to return home to cover the Michael Jackson story.

He then went on to discuss at great length how much other news channels were running Michael Jackson features, even giving statistics on the percentage of their news coverage was devoted to Jackson.

During this segment, the host displayed how outraged he was with Jackson declaring a number of times how he had spent "millions of dollars on himself!".

Now, correct me if I'm wrong but it is no ones business what Michael Jackson, or anyone for that matter spends their money on. If they work hard and earn a lot of money, then too bloody right they're entitled to spend it on themselves, or whoever they damn well please.

Mr O'Reilly also failed to notice the hypocrisy in spending the majority of his show complaining how much coverage the death of the King of Pop was receiving on other stations.

Andy's first media muppet award is well earned Bill. Welcome back.

Had your chips (or maybe not)

Why do the makers of vending machines always put the crisps at the top?

If anything is going to get stuck on it's way down, it is that bag of crisps that you just had to have. You put your money in, type in the number and half expect them to get stuck on the way down.

Surely some bright spark can come up with the idea that the one item that always gets stuck might be better placed lower down so it has less distance to fall and therefore less chance of getting stuck??

Either that or just make the space between the items and the glass window just half an inch further apart.

Simple.