Make up your mind people, do you want a hug or a kiss??

I'm not the most sociable person.

It's not that I don't like social situations, but if someone is having a party, I like to slip in and out pretty much unnoticed. I don't want to spend the first hour walking round making sure I've said hello to everyone, and then another hour saying goodbye.

Once I've had enough and it's time to go, I just want to leave.

Obviously it's polite to thank your hosts and say goodbye to them but that's it. Ok, I'll say bye to anyone I happen to pass on the way out too.

The reason I don't want to go around saying hellos and goodbyes is because of the whole hug and kiss confusion.

With blokes, I'm ok. I know all I have to do is shake their hand. If you see another bloke you know and they're not within hand shaking distance, a simple nod of the head will suffice. Both parties are happy with that.

Women are a whole other kettle of fish.

Some women just want to give you a hug. Some women want to give you a hug and a kiss, some want to give you a hug but want a kiss from you and others just want a kiss with no hug.

How can I possibly keep up with the huggers, and the huggers & kissers??

It's not like I can keep a log as most of the time there isn't chance to consult it before one of them spots you and moves in. By this time it's too late and you'd just end up hitting them in the face with your notepad and that's no way to announce your arrival at a party.

Do you go for the hug and run the risk of leaving them hanging or kissing the back of your sweaty head?

Or do you go in for the cheek kiss and risk upsetting them further? You're already leaving so they're sure to be pretty upset to begin with.

Just when you think you've seen it all someone will come up with a new combination that just leaves you stumped.

Recently, we met an old friend of the family and knowing there would be a hug and/or kiss situation at the beginning, I did the only thing I could do and hid behind my wife so I could prepare and see what I was in for. The two women hugged and that was it. Ok, I can handle that, or so I thought.

The lady in question then approached me. She was a couple of steps away so I had time to get in position, only she wasn't getting in position and she was almost upon me by now.

There was an awkward pause that lasted almost the entire night. Well, probably about 3 seconds but it seemed a lot longer at the time. She still wasn't budging.

This time there was to be no hug. She went straight in for a solo kiss. A kiss with no hug. What's that about? And a kiss right on the lips at that!

How can I keep up when they change the rules from person to person?

She was an older divorcee by the way so do I take that into account? Do I need to keep a log based on a person's marital status and age?

As you can see, this is a potential minefield. Can we all agree to a set of ground rules then? I don't mind if it's just a hug, or a hug and a kiss, or just a hug to say hello with the kiss added to say goodbye as long as we all agree and stick to it.

Maybe in future the host can add it to the invitations so we're all on the same page? Or we could all wear badges.

Until then I'll probably be happy with a quiet night in.