Everything is for sale with these whores

So Wayne Rooney has been caught with his pants down...again.

The papers are full of news that he cheated on his wife when she was pregnant with a £1000 a night prostitute.

It's the second revelation already this season about footballers and hookers and we're only three weeks in.

Peter Crouch had a similar lapse of judgement with a teen prostitute in Spain.

Are these guys too stupid to realise that if a girl sells her body for sex, pretty much everything is for sale, including her story when she has a famous sportsman as a client?

Muppets!

Ssh! Here's a secret the entire world now knows!

I just read a headline on a news website that says: "Jennifer Aniston secretly dating John Meyer".

It's not much of a secret is it? Not if I've read about it on the internet, which is pretty much available anywhere in the entire world.

A hint to any headline writers at newspapers, magazines or websites, if you're writing about it, it's not a secret.

Muppets.

Don't make me tell you twice to give it a rest!

Have you heard that new Rihanna song with Eminem?

I think it's called "I love the way you lie" or something like that. It's about domestic abuse.

In it, she sings "You're gonna stand there and watch me burn, but that's alright because I like the way it hurts."

You didn't like it too much when your boyfriend was doing it for real did you love?

I have nothing against Rihanna. She's made a few catchy tunes and seems a bit vacant but what I can't get over, literally, is her really big forehead.

It's like the old Tefal advert from the 80's. It's like the Coneheads pulled an Angelina Jolie and adopted a baby from the Caribbean.

What's that all about?

With all her money you'd think she'd be able to afford some kind of operation to bring her hair forward a bit.

William Shakespeare, John Lennon, they ain't got nothing on you!

Have you heard that song by some fella named Bob, well, B.O.B?

"Nothing on you" is the name of it.

Sample song lyrics are:
Baby, you the whole package, plus you pay your taxes
you keep it real while them others stay plastic
You're my wonder woman call me Mr Fantastic
Stop, now think about it

Ok then Bob, I have been thinking about it and I've arrived at the conclusion that this is a complete pile of s.h.i.t.

Fair enough, the chorus is quite catchy and it's not a bad song but when you actually listen to the words you can't help but think William Shakespeare must be rolling in his fucking grave hearing bollocks like that. He's no John Lennon is he?

The fact that he says this girl is the whole package, but then feels the need to add that she pays her taxes suggests to me that his track record with women is not the most impressive.

Sad news..

Last night my wife decided she wanted to go out to eat.

That's not the surprising part.

The but that caused shock on the part of yours truly was her suggestion that we go to Yank Sing.

Yank Sing is only my favourite restaurant in the whole world.

It's a cheap and cheerful Chinese buffet near where we live but I like it. I've been to some nice restaurants around the world but if I was given the choice to go to only one restaurant for the rest of my life, that would be it.

I used to go there, not a lot, but quite often, until my wife announced that she didn't really like it, hence the shock when we suggested we go there for the first time in about two years.

Excited, and hungry, off we went, pulling in to the car park. We managed to get a space right in front.

It was then I looked up and got that eery feeling that something wasn't quite right.

The neon Open sign was not lit. The place looked abandoned.

Yank Sing has closed down.

I was in shock, and suddenly felt lost.

Now what?

Pulling out of the car park, I couldn't help blaming my wife. It was probably the lack of our custom that put them out of business.

So off we set to another Chinese buffet that I used to like. I can never remember the name of it as it was always second choice but I could remember where it was.

We pulled into the car park again and guess what?

It had closed down.

Two for two.

My wife was in hysterics while I couldn't even muster up anything to say. Then my stomach let me know it was still hungry.

We did finally find somewhere to eat, although it wasn't a Chinese buffet.

The lesson here is that if you have a favourite restaurant, don't let your wife stop you going because this could mean that the place goes out of business and no one gets to go.

Don't let your wife ruin it for everyone!

Support your local Chinese buffet. Now, more than ever.

RIP Yank Sing.

Watching muppets watching TV of other muppets three feet away from them is not entertainment!!

America's got talent don't it?

Apart from the grammatical incorrect title of this TV show, it has recently slumped to a new low.

After the auditions have finished, the next step takes place in Las Vegas where all of the acts are grouped together depending on their genre and are then seen by the judges.

This is a good opportunity for them to check out their competition and see what they're up against.

And thanks to the editor of this show, it is a chance for the people watching at home to see the first part of the act, then watch the other people backstage watching the act on a monitor before cutting back to see the judges reaction, before cutting back to the act themselves for the final 3 seconds.

You basically get to see very little of the act, and see the back of people's heads while they comment on the act, before seeing the judges badly edited reactions that have no bearing on what they're actually seeing.

The editor of this show certainly don't got talent!

Sort it out!

Please annoy me so I can get mad about something!

I've recently noticed that our dogs are just like Daily Mail readers.

They stand at the front window of the house just waiting to be annoyed by something outside, whether it's a neighbour walking passed, a bird, or heaven forbid, another dog going for a walk.

Woof woof woof woof bloody woof!

Stop!

I've realise there is something that happens all the time that really annoys me.

You know when you're driving down the road, usually through a neighbourhood rather than a main road and there are no other cars on the road but then you start approaching a stop sign and suddenly, there is another car coming from the cross street you're about to pass so that you both get to the stop sign at the exact same time.

And it's never a few seconds apart, that wouldn't bother me if you got to the stop sign a few seconds apart, but it is always the exact same time, so then there is that awkward pause while you suss each other out to see who is going to make a move to go first.

This happens ALL the time, literally 99% of the times I get to a stop sign. There are no other cars anywhere to be seen except that one that gets there the same time as I do. After we pass through the stop sign there are again no cars in sight.

I know it's only a little thing but it's really starting to bug me, so much so that I really start to hate the person in the other car, even though they've done nothing wrong except arrive at a stop time at the EXACT SAME TIME as I do! Bastards!!

You don't show up when I order it and then make an appointment when I don't!

AT&T strikes again.

Remember the whole AT&T U-Verse debacle back in December?

Well, as we're in the process of moving house I called AT&T to cancel the house phone and internet etc.

The guy I spoke to spent the whole time trying to get me to sign up for AT&T U-verse.

I told him we could discuss it later but first I just wanted him to cancel my old phone and prepare to set up a new one at the new house when the time comes.

After about 20 minutes of trying to get him to shut up about bloody u-verse, he put me on hold.

At this point I'd had enough so hung up.

Two days later I was checking my e-mail when I spotted one from AT&T confirming my u-verse installation for May 17th between 9am and 11am.

Do what now?

Did I mention I signed up for AT&T u-verse?

No. Because I did not sign up for AT&T u-verse.

The guy just took it upon himself to assume that I would be unable to turn down such a tempting offer so went ahead with the order on my behalf!

What absolute cheating scumbags!

I hate dealing with AT&T.

I would rather deal with them online but every time I need to do something, I waste half an hour trying to navigate their website, only to be told you can't do anything online and have to call.

Another half an hour is spent trying to find a phone number to ring and the first thing you hear is how it would be faster and cheaper to do everything online.

Thanks for that.

What goes around comes around Frankie boy!

It was the Champions League semi final second legs this week.

You may know that unfortunately, my team, Manchester United were beaten in the quarter final by Bayern Munich. A game we looked like winning until young defender Rafael was sent off.

If you didn't see the game, Rafael was booked early on and then received a yellow card for pulling back Bayern player Frank Ribery near the half way line.

The referee blew for a free kick but was soon surrounded by a baying pack of Bayern players, headed by Ribery urging him to send Rafael off, which he duly did.

He wasn't going to give him a second yellow card until the Bayern players convinced him and it was a game changing decision.

Anyway, the reason I mention it is because this week, Ribery himself is appealing against a red card of his own that will rule him out of the final, and the first two games of next years competition.

What goes around comes around you ugly bastard!

Incidentally, an underage prostitute in France has come out and claimed Ribery, as well as other French players were regular clients of hers.

It just wasn't his week was it poor love!

What's that running out into the road?!?

The other day I was driving to work and had just got out of our neighbourhood when I had to slam on my brakes as something ran out into the road in front of me.

I'm sure you remember my adventures with the scruffy Yorkie who led me a merry dance a couple of months ago so you probably think we're used to stray dogs running out in front of the car.

Wrong.

It wasn't a dog.

It was a bloody peacock!

In the road!

Right in front of me!

Now, I'm not sure about where you live but where I live we don't have wild peacocks roaming around willy nilly.

I have no idea where it came from or where it was going.

Usually if something runs out in front of my car I get annoyed but this time I just laughed and phoned my wife.

Very random indeed.

I can't hear a bloody word you're saying!

I'm starting to really hate watching anything on ABC.

It started with Grey's Anatomy. This is one of my wife's favourite shows so I do tend to catch the odd episode, but the thing is, the sound is terrible.

They play thew back ground music so loud that I can't understand what anyone is saying.

We watched last week's episode and I couldn't hear most of the talking through out the entire episode.

There is something really wrong with how ABC does their sound. You can tell it is an ABC show just by the way everything sounds so different from other channels.

It's now started to creep into other shows on ABC. Flash Forward is going the same way.

If it continues then it's unlikely I can be bothered trying to work out what is going on.

Sort it out you muppets!

Chicken out

The other night I worked late and when I spoke to my wife before I left the office she said we needed to go to the shop to pick up something for dinner so she would wait until I got home so we could go together.

Being the good husband that I am, I decided I would just go on my way home.

While I was there I remembered that we had a packet of sliced chicken in the fridge so I bought some bread, mayonnaise and lettuce so I could make myself sandwiches to take to work for the rest of the week.

That night I made a sandwich for the next day and it was very nice so I was looking forward to having another one the next day.

However, that night when I went to make the sandwich, the chicken was no where to be found.

That day, my wife decided she was going to clean out the fridge and throw out the food that was no good. She thought the chicken had been open for weeks and was no good so she threw it out!

So I was left with bread, mayonnaise, and lettuce for my sandwich but no chicken!

It didn't even cross her mind that I might have opened it the night before when I made the chicken sandwich.

It's funny looking back now but at the time I was pretty upset.

I do love me some chicken!

Death of original ideas

I was watching TV last night when an advert came on for a new film starring Chris Rock, "Death at a funeral".

After a few seconds I started getting that Deja vu feeling that I'd seen this before then realised that yes, it reminded me of a British film called, erm, let me think, oh yes, "Death at a funeral".

From the preview on the TV it looks like they've remade the film using the exact same script, but replacing the well to do English characters with loud black Americans played by Chris Rock, Tracey Morgan and Danny Glover.

Fair enough, the story could probably do with some updating considering it was originally made way back in 2007. I didn't even realise they had films back then.

What is wrong with American audiences watching a film featuring some new talent they haven't seen before? Is it really worth it to remake the exact same film with a big name to attract the audience?

To be honest, the film wasn't all that great to begin with but I'm sure the remake is nowhere near as good.

Of course its a dead end when you don't want to see what's down that road!

Have you seen the new TV show "Who do you think you are"?

Well, I say new TV show. Its actually been on for years in the UK but they have just made an American version.

The only one we've seen so far featured Emmett Smith, an American football player who played for the Dallas Cowboys.

From the very beginning of the show he was keen to find out where in Africa he was from.

They traced his family back through Alabama and found his great great great great grandmother (or something) and great great great great grandfather.

His great great great great Grandmother did indeed come from Africa so off Emmett took himself to try and find out where she came from.

He found a place where slaves were sold and put on ships to the new world and his search ended here. Emmett was very disappointed that he had met a dead end and couldn't trace his family back any further.

But wait, what about his great great great great Grandfather?

He was white and from Alabama. Surely it would be much easier to trace this side of the family and continue the search?

Sadly this didn't seem to be an option as the show ended in disappointment that there were no records in Africa at the time. There was no further mention of his great great great great Grandfather. I suppose he didn't fit into the humble African beginnings Emmett Smith was looking for.

This whole episode reminded me of a show that was on the History channel last year "The Human Genome Project".

In this show, they took a scraping from the mouth of hundreds of people to trace their ancestry back over thousands of years.

There was one black guy, sorry African American, featured who was really excited to find out how his family left Africa and ended up in the US. Only when the research came back, it hadn't. There was nothing in his DNA that linked his family to Africa. His family actually traced back through Europe.

You could see the disappointment on his face. This guy had probably bored everyone he'd ever known with stories of how he was from Africa without even thinking to look into it and find out for certain.

And while I'm on, is referring to every single black person you encounter as 'African American' not a little bit racist? I know it seems to be the done thing but these types of TV programmes show that that may not be the case.

Actor Sidney Poitier is often referred to as an African American and continuously points out that 'no, actually, my family is from the Bahamas'.

Isn't terming an entire group of people the same regardless of where they are actually from what we were trying to get away from in the first place?

Policeman for hire? How about borrowing a brain for a few days instead??

Isn't it typical how when you're in a rush to get somewhere, it seems that everything in the world conspires to slow you down?

The other day, I needed to get home in a hurry. It was mid-morning so I knew the traffic wouldn't be bad so I went the same way I always go home from work.

Only this time I got to one set of lights on the way and just as the light was about to turn green, a police motorbike turned up with his lights flashing telling everyone to wait.

Next thing, a truck with a cherry picker on the top arrived and stopped in the middle of the road, followed by a truck carrying a very large big thing on the back. There was a man already in the cherry picker and it was his job to lift up any wires that were overhead so the truck could fit under it.

Houston is not a very technologically advanced city, despite being the home of NASA so pretty much every 10 yards there is another set of wires hanging over the road about 15- 20 feet up looking rather dangerous.

Obviously this truck carrying the very large big thing on its back was going exactly the same way I was so while the little man in his cherry picker had to lift all the wires for the truck to fit under, then drive passed the truck to get to the next wire so he could lift that one up too, and so on and so on and fucking on and on while an ever increasing queue of cars on both sides of the road waited for it all to end.

Bloody typical!

And while I'm on, why is it that any one can rent a copper in Houston and they'll gladly stop all other traffic on the roads while they fuck about playing silly beggers?

Surely the policeman should just say "wait a minute, you're thinking of driving that big truck with the very large big fuck off thing on the back down that little road while some poor bastard hurries alongside lifting up all the wires so you can fit under it, and you want me to stop every other sod going about their business so you don't have to wait? Never mind that, here's a ticket for being a stupid fucking twat now run along before I arrange for you to be locked up in a padded cell you stupid fucking bastard!".

Or something like that anyway.

New balls please!

If you read my other post over on Mancunian Moon you may know that I spent most of the day gardening.

I planted some nice Marigolds around the tree to give it some colour and make it look nice.

About 3 hours after I finished I looked out the window to admire my handy work when I noticed that two of the newly planted flowers had been smashed to pieces!

The culprit was long gone but what I think happened was some kids were playing basketball in the neighbours drive way and missed and only for the ball to land in my new flower bed. Yeah, good shot numb nuts.

I was pretty pissed of as you can imagine but I did the same many times when I was a kid kicking my football over the neighbours fence and they were only $10 for 12 plants so it's not a big deal.

I'd already beheaded one while trying to get it out of the tray anyway so I know they're brittle little things. And to be honest it was digging out the old stuff, clearing out the weeds and adding the soil and mulch that was the hard work, not the planting of the marigolds so I'll let it go this time but if I see anyone hitting them again with they'll think they're at Wimbledon as they'll be needing some new balls please!

It's Rodeo time!

The Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo starts tomorrow.

As far as I'm concerned, rodeos are like fireworks. Once you've seen one you've seen them all but my wife loves the rodeo.

She volunteers on two committees and gets excited around August when the preparations begin even though the rodeo doesn't start until the end of February, beginning of March.

She loves having to recruit other volunteers for the team she is captain of. She enjoys organising socials so they can all meet each other and enjoys arranging training sessions so they all know what they have to do.

She gets excited when she gets to order her new rodeo vest and shirts and loves it even more when they're delivered.

My wife pretty much loves everything to do with the rodeo, until it comes time to actually work there and the night before she has a shift all I hear is: "I don't want to go", "I'm not doing this next year", "I'm tired", or "I'm too busy for this".

At the end of her last shift she is relieved and glad it's all over but by the time it all starts again in August those memories have faded and she's ready to go again.

Yee-haw!

Same old Terry, always cheating

There was a big game today in the English Premier League.

Chelsea v Man City at Stamford Bridge was the first time John Terry and Wayne Bridge had met since the revelations about Terry's affair with Bridge's missus.

All of the pre-match attention was fixed on whether Bridge would shake hands with Terry in the team line ups as is customary before a Premier League game.

Bridge did the expected thing and skipped JT which brought boos from the home fans.

Once the game started, every time Wayne Bridge touched the ball the Chelsea fans booed him. There were even banners saying "Team Terry" to show whose side they were on.

Hang on a minute. John Terry had an affair with the guys girlfriend, the Mother of his children, and you're booing him?? He's the victim here!

Whatever has gone on behind the scenes, Wayne Bridge has behaved with dignity in public and resigned from the England squad earlier this week because he thought his involvement, along with Terry's would be divisive just a few months before the world cup.

Chelsea fans are scum, and the sooner their mega rich owner gets bored with his plaything and moves on sending this horrible little club back into oblivion, the better.

The best part of the game was when Terry brought down a City player just outside the box and the City fans started singing "same old Terry, always cheating".

City went on to win the match 4-2 after Chelsea went down to nine men inflicting the first home defeat on Chelsea for about two years.

All this ringing in my ears is giving me tinitus

I love those cordless phones we have in the house.

My wife just phoned to let me know she's on her way home but I was in the other room so obviously the first place I headed to was the kitchen where the phone is plugged in.

Only it's never there is it?

So then I have to run around the house trying to find it and by the time I do, it's stopped ringing so I start calling her back but it goes straight to her voicemail because she's now ringing me on my mobile, which is in the other room where I was until the house phone started ringing.

By the time I get back to my mobile it's stopped ringing but then I have to wait a few minutes to try phoning her back in case there's another phone in another room she can try first.

This happens every single time.

Outsmarted, by a scruffy little yorkie!

Remember a few weeks ago when Busby decided to talk a walk on a busy road?

Well, the other day on my way to work I spotted a little Yorkshire Terrier in the road in our neighbourhood. I spotted it had a collar so I decided to turn around and see if I could be some little kids hero by saving their dog.

After the scare with Busby when he was found by a couple of kids in the road I decided if I saw a lost dog in the same situation I would try and help it.

Only when I managed to turn the car around I spotted the dog running to where I had just come from so I turned round again. I'd basically just driven around in a big circle so anyone who saw was probably wondering what I was up to.

When I spotted the dog again it was in someones front garden so I parked the car and approached it. It saw me coming and ran away, stopped, saw me still coming towards it and growled at me.

It then decided to run further away, stopping only to check if I'd stopped following it.

It was running back towards the main road so I decided that wasn't a good idea so I moved back in the hope it would come back into the neighbourhood.

Once it moved away from the main road I decided to try again only to be growled at some more.

I was positioned between the dog and the busy road so I was happy that if it was going to run away, it would be into the neighbourhood where it would have a better chance of avoiding being hit by a car.

A school bus turned into the neighbourhood and it was at this point the dog gave me the slip. I thought that if there kids around waiting for the bus then maybe one of them would find the dog and make sure it got back home.

Just to be sure, I drove around the neighbourhood one more time but I couldn't see it anywhere.

Hopefully it is ok and made it home but it was a great start to the week being outsmarted by a scruffy little Yorkie!

Remind me later to hunt down the bastard responsible and chop his bollocks off so I can throw them into a fire ant's nest

You know what really bugs me about computers?

The way that certain companies who are there to protect your computers from viruses, and McAfee I'm looking at you, plant unstoppable pop ups to remind you that your service has expired and your computer may be in danger!

This is regardless of the fact that they take out the annual fee automatically from your credit card every year because you have no idea how to stop it.

And there's no way of stopping these pop ups. The only options are a) renew now, or b) remind me later.

Remind me later??

What about option c) Fuck off you robbing bastards and never darken my door ever again?

That's the one I would almost always select. Probably.

So as it is, you get the same pop up every single bloody day and it's usually when you're in the middle of typing something long and you don't realise straight away until you look up and notice that the computer has been ignoring you.

Local news could fill these pages for years if I watched it more often

Houston's local news continues to entertain, almost as much as Man City supporters!

The other day, for some reason I caught a little bit of the local news before I was able to reach for the remote to switch it off.

They were running a story about a 70 something local bank robber.

So far, fair enough. The local news should be telling people that a bank in the city was robbed, regardless of the robber's age but as usual, they got a bit carried away.

As the adverts were approaching, they needed something to keep us hooked so we didn't change the channel in the four minutes they'd be gone.

The best they could do was: "Local robbery suspect. We reveal a possible motive. Coming up!"

Or, if I may translate: "We have absolutely nothing else of interest to cover on today's local news so we're going to throw out some wild speculation based on nothing! Please come back, our ratings have been terrible lately and there may be cut backs."

Muppets!

Giddy Bitters

Man City fans keep me entertained.

They're usually so bitter at not being born reds that they spend the rest of their lives trying to outdo United and usually end up looking stupid.

Which brings me on to Chris Atkinson, a Man City fan from Altrincham. When City were taken over by the Arabs to become the richest club in the world, their fans, not to mention their Chief Executive Garry Cook got a little bit carried away with the players they could now afford to sign.

City put in an audacious bid for Brazilian Kaka commonly thought to be the best player in the world at the time.

Regardless of the fact that a player like Kaka would never sign for a club with no history of success since the middle ages and such comical fans, that didn't stop our hero Chris Atkinson getting a bit carried away and getting himself a Kaka tattoo on his chest.

Chris wasn't done there and followed up with a Robinho tattoo. Luckily, Robinho was so desperate to find a new club, and actually thought he was signing for Chelsea on transfer deadline day, he did join the blues. Only he hated it so much and recently returned to Brazilian club Santos on loan.

I hope these people never learn from their past "success" and continue to jump the gun and entertain the masses for a long time to come. Bless 'em.

John Terry's second biggest slip up

John Terry has been sacked as captain of England for having an affair with a team mate's wife, getting her pregnant and paying for an abortion.

Blimey! The tabloids are loving this!

I really hate the way the media start up a campaign in order to sell newspapers or advertising for their TV stations based on bullshit.

John Terry's private life has nothing to do with his ability as the captain of a football team. If you're looking to footballers to be role models for your kids they're probably already in big trouble. It's the parents job and they should quit making excuses because they raised a little piece of shit.

The only reason I can see for John Terry to be sacked as captain is if the rest of the England squad are more worried he'll shag their missus while they're busy scoring on the pitch!

The blurry screen is giving me a headache!

I was watching the Grammy's the other day and they had a tribute to Michael Jackson, which is fair enough, but for some reason it was in 3D.

Why all of a sudden to TV people expect everyone at home to own a pair of 3D glasses?

I've never seen a shop selling them, I've never seen any adverts on telly advertising them, and I've never heard anyone talking about buying a pair.

So why is everything on TV suddenly in 3D?

Anyway, Celine Dion's nose is big enough to almost come out of the TV and poke you in the eye anyway.

The downside is that if you're not wearing 3 D glasses, everything is blurred so you can't see what is going on and just end up with a headache!

Quit digging and trying to escape, you are not the littlest hobo!

We've been having a bit of trouble with Busby lately.

He turned two last month so it's probably a case of the terrible two's, only he's been like this since we got him but recently he's been tearing up the garden trying to get under the fence.

One day last week I came home a bit early to watch a football game (United v City in the League Cup semi-final 2nd leg. United 3-1 won to get to the final).

The strange thing was that only Boomer met me at the door so I asked my wife where Busby was. She didn't know so we set about looking round the house and garden for him and shouting his name. Nothing.

He's escaped before into one of the neighbours gardens at the back but this time we couldn't see him.

We drove around the neighbourhood to see if we could find him and then drove down the main road near the house to see if there was any sign but again nothing so we returned home for another look.

I got my ladders out and started looking over neighbours fences to see if I could see him anywhere but no luck.

My wife was getting really worried at this point and decided she wanted to look into our next door neighbours garden as he'd got in there earlier that day. They keep their gate locked as they have a pool but undetered, my pregnant wife started kicking down the fence and climbed through to see if he was there.

We searched the garden and found a spot under their fence that looked like something (maybe a very small naughty little white dog) had dug through. This was a worrying development as our neighbours house backs on to the main road.

I've seen dogs dumped at the side of that road a few times so it obviously crossed my mind that this could be what we found.

We drove around the neighbourhood again and asked a few people in the street if they'd seen him but still nothing. The good thing was we didn't see a body dumped by the side of the road.

When we got home again I checked the phone and their was a message. Two girls had found Busby in the busy road trying to get himself killed. They very kindly picked him up and called the number on his collar and then brought him home.

The cheeky little blighter still hasn't learnt his lesson so we've had to keep the dog door closed and only let them out with supervision.

So, Busby, if you're reading this, why are you always trying to escape? You are not like the Littlest Hobo always moving on to a new adventure in a new town.

Stop it!

Yes, I paid, so I bloody should get one when I buy one!

In the US they have these special deals called Buy one, Get one.

It's similar to the deals you get in Britain except it doesn't make sense.

In Britain, they have Buy one get one free offers, delightfully abbreviated to BOGOF. This is a good deal. You buy something, and get another identical item free, so you end up with two for the price of one, or both of them for half price, however you want to look at it.

In the states its Buy one, Get one.

So if you buy one of something you get one of the things you bought. That's not a deal! That's just how shopping works!

If I buy one, I should bloody well get the one I bought.

If only they added that extra word at the end of the offer it would make much more sense.

How long does it take to make a quick phone call or send an e-mail?

My wife had a doctor's appointment last week to check everything is ok with the baby and they did lots of tests.

The thing that annoys me though is when they say "if you don't hear from us everything is ok".

Right, so they will only be in touch if the results aren't good, but how long are you supposed to wait wondering if everything is ok?

Even when they say the results should be back in about a week, you still worry that things got held up for some reason so you still don't know when you should stop worrying.

Why can't they just give you a quick phone call, or even an e-mail saying everything is ok? How long would that take? Not long at all.

In Houston local phone calls are free anyway so it wouldn't cost anything.

Besides, they always keep you waiting for ages when you're there so an extra two minutes wouldn't make any difference while they send someone an e-mail.

Read this warning before doing any exercise!

For the first fourteen days of 2010 I did some exercise on the treadmill until yesterday I was finally defeated by a fever of 102.3.

The only conclusion I can make is that exercise is bad for you.

Be warned.

Thank God for their generosity!

I saw on the local news the other day how a woman who had no heating in her home had received a generous gift from a plumbing and heating company.

The woman, who was probably early 60's from what I can remember received a new gas central heating system from John Moore Plumbing company worth $24,000 including parts and labour.

So what does the grateful lady do?

She goes on the news and thanks God for looking after her! She was apparently in awe of his generosity.

Now, I'm no Super Mario but if I had donated $24,000 worth of equipment and labour so that an old lady could stay warm during winter, I would be mightily pissed off if she decided to tell everyone it was a gift from God and not even mention the company's name!

Shock news headline: There is no news today!

Do you ever click on a news website, or even see an advert for the news and wonder why someone has gone to the trouble of researching and broadcasting a non-event as news?

I was just watching football on the tv (Arsenal v Everton) and at half time I thought I'd browse the internet on my phone (the score is 1-1 by the way).

Two headlines caught my eye:

3D TV to be "saviour" of industry

TV's Tennant 'backs Brown as PM'

I'll start with the first one. 3D TV to be "saviour" of industry. Yes, because no one watches TV anymore.

The second one. The guy who used to play Dr Who allegedly likes the British Prime Minister.

Neither of these are really news are they?

Why do news organisations think we care about actor's political beliefs? I might like a musicians songs but I don't care whether they worry about global warming while they're flying around the world in their private jet.

I can make up my own decision about politics and religion. Just sing your song and entertain me!

Aw, the pretty little people got fat over Christmas!

Did you put on a few pounds over Christmas?

That's ok, who cares?

Too bad if your part of a matchmaking website beautifulpeople.com.

People have to apply to join the site and existing members then vote to decide if they are attractive enough.

The problem now though is that some members have been posting photos of themselves over the holidays that have led to complaints from other members that they have put on weight and are no longer attractive enough!

Check out the story here, then laugh at the shallow bastards!

Can't you let us have a nice cup of tea on a Saturday morning?

Why is it that the makers of milk, ok, not the cows but the companies that package and sell milk decide to make it go off on a Friday?

For some reason, every bottle of milk we buy has a best before date, or a use by date of a Friday.

This means that every Saturday morning I wake up and go to make a cup of tea for myself and my wife and the milk has gone off.

Some weeks we plan ahead and it's not an issue but when we do forget it is extremely annoying!

The milk in the fridge goes off on the 8th of January according to the label. That is this Friday so I either have to get to the shop before then to buy a bottle of milk, or forget about it and then get really annoyed on Saturday morning!

Why can't they just leave it in the cow for an extra couple of days so it doesn't go off until the Monday? That way, when we go shopping at the weekend, we can stock up for the week ahead.

Just play the guitar when the adverts are coming on. You're not the star of the show!

I was watching the Jay Leno show the other night and as usual, Jay included the guitar player from his house band, Kevin Eubanks in the banter on the show.

He does this quite a lot and I don't have a problem with it. At least he isn't that bald shouty goon from Letterman. The thing I did have a problem with though is the hat Eubanks was wearing.

The guy's job is to play guitar in the band when guests are entering the stage, or the show is going to a commercial. So why did Kevin Eubanks, not to mention the producers of the show think it is ok for the guy to wear a hat bearing Barrack Obama's name?

Kevin Eubanks is not a political commentator. He wasn't a guest on the show. The Jay Leno show is not even very political. It is light entertainment.

There is no place for personal political views of the minor players on the show. There is absolutely no reason for it.

A quick question before I go. In the interests of fairness, would a white keyboard player be allowed to wear a hat with the slogan "Nobama" on it?

I very much doubt it.

Scandalous.