Goodbye, good riddance 2009

So it is finally the last day of 2009.

Thank God!

This has been a pretty shit year and I am glad to see the back of it.

The odd good thing has happened this year but it has sadly been outnumbered by bad things.

I said at the end of January it was like the whole world got up on the wrong side of bed on New Year's Day and it stayed that way for the whole year.

Here's hoping 2010 is much better.

Good luck!

You can't wait a few minutes to find a bin you thick necked piece of shit!

Driving home the other day we were driving behind a black Ford Mustang.

All of a sudden, a can came flying out of the window into the grass at the side of the road, quickly followed by another one.

They looked like beer cans.

Can anyone explain the point in that to me?

I can honestly say that if I have a drink in the car, and I don't mean beer, just any drink, when I'm done with it, it does not cross my mind to just throw the can or bottle out of the window.

Most cars are fitted with cup holders these days so is it really that much trouble to keep hold of it until you find a bin?

When we passed the car at the next set of lights, the people in it were typical knuckle dragging neanderthals who think they can do whatever they want and have no consideration for anyone or anything.

Absolute scum.

Different cultures usually have different cultures, that is why they call them different cultures!

There's a guy at work who doesn't quite grasp the concept of different cultures.

He thinks everything all over the world is exactly the same as it is in his back yard.

I tell him about things in England and he can't comprehend a lot of it as he has absolutely no frame of reference for anything different to his own life.

He thinks I'm joking about a lot of things.

A couple of weeks go we were talking about one of the company's offices in Dubai and a customer working in Algeria.

He decided that there was no point in contacting the office in Dubai to get the information the customer in Algeria needed as it was almost Christmas and everyone would be on holiday.

I explained to him that not everyone celebrated Christmas so it would be normal working hours for them so he should still do the work.

This totally blew his mind!

At first, there was a look of confusion plastered across his face and the only word he managed to get out was a mumbled "huh?".

I told him again that not everyone in the world celebrates Christmas.

After a few minutes of considering this statement he declared it untrue.

I assured him that Christmas was a Christian holiday and not everyone celebrated it.

His reply: "Well, they'll still be closed because they know we celebrate it."

What?!?

Do you fast during Eid because you know Muslims do? I still expect to be able to go for a curry if I want to.

I honestly wonder what they teach in US schools when the rest of the world is studying history and geography.

Happy Birthday Jesus Christ. Here's some Harry Potter merchandise.

Christmas?

Bah Humbug!

Mother Nature's wake up call

It's Christmas Eve today and I'm off work.

Time for a nice lie in eh? I don't get to have a lie in very often but something always transpires to make me wake up early on my day off.

Last night it happened to be the loudest thunder storm I have heard in a long time.

The rain was pounding on the bedroom window and it looked liked there was a disco going on in the garden with all the lightning.

Thanks Mother Nature!

Bloody students playing at music!

I've just read the following in Q, the UK's biggest music magazine:

"Idiosyncratic sibling duo The Fiery Furnaces unveil the world's first silent record in February 2010.

Instead of music, it will feature lyrics, musical notations, instructions and illustrations of hypothetical performances for fans to interpret themselves."

Just fuck off!

Some people will do what you tell them!

An update to my post the other day about the internet campaign attempting to put a stop the Simon Cowell's X Factor domination of the Christmas number 1.

Rage against the machine is the official UK Christmas number 1 this year after selling over 500,000 copies. Not bad for a song that is available by download only!

The X Factor winner Joe McElderry sold over 450,000 copies which would have easily been enough for the top spot any other week.

The campaign was definitely good for the writers of both songs but it goes to show people power can still make a difference!

Forget those starving kids in Africa, some muppet wants to win a TV show!

It's no wonder there is so much trouble in the world these days.

So many wars, famines, natural disasters.

We were watching Survivor the other day and there was a challenge were the contestants had to remove a series of ropes holding up a bunch of coconuts letting as few drop as possible.

Anyway, two of the contestants decided to say a small prayer before their turn and stated that God would guide their hand and help them pick the correct rope.

You see this a lot on American TV shows.

Obviously, those kids in Africa are going to die of starvation because God would rather spend his time helping you play a giant game of Kerplunk in order to win a million dollars.

Seriously.

Get a grip people.

I'm sure that if there is a God, he doesn't give a shit who wins some poxy little TV game show. I'd hope he'd have more important things to do with his time.

I know you're being polite but making me run is NOT doing me a favour!

At what point does holding a door open for someone stop being a favour?

If someone is following you through a door, it's an easy decision to hold it open for them.

But making someone feel that they have to speed up to get there is not doing them a favour, unless you're on a train and they're about to be sliced in two.

If they are a long way behind you, it's ok to let the door close.

I know there is that awkward distance in between where you're unsure of what to do. You don't want to seem rude, but it's actually not helpful to either person. The person holding the door could have already gone on their way but now their just stood there waiting.

But it is even worse for the person who is supposedly having the favour done for them. They don't want to seem ungrateful so they do that shuffling run/walk where they're not actually moving any quicker but at least they appear to be making an effort.

I don't know about you but I'm ok walking at my own pace. I can open a door thank you very much.

Fuck you I won't do what you tell me!

In England, for some lovely unknown reason, the song that happens to be number 1 in the chart at Christmas is a big deal.

People who don't care about the charts the rest of the year suddenly take an interest.

Novelty songs are very popular, as are charity singles but in recent years the final of Simon Cowell's karaoke TV 'talent' show The X Factor has coincided with the Christmas chart.

Simon Cowell is a very good business man and it is a very good marketing strategy to have The X Factor end mid-December just in time for the winner to release their debut single in time to be the Christmas number 1.

However, this year the cool kids have decided to fight back.

There has been a growing campaign in England encouraging people to download Rage Against The Machine's 1991 song "Killing in the name" in an effort to make it the Christmas number 1 this year and put an end to The X Factor's manufactured rubbish.

If you've never heard of Rage Against the Machine, or their song Killing in the name you won't be familiar with the bit that repeats the phrase "Fuck you I won't do what you tell me!" over and over for pretty much the second half of the entire song.

Am I the only one to see the irony in being told to buy a song that defiantly states that I will not do what you tell me?

Muppets!

Everything that happens in life is not a big shock or sensational you pillock!

Manchester got beat today, 1-0 at home to Aston Villa.

The result isn't thing that annoyed me most though. It seems that every time Manchester United lose a game of football Alan Parry is the commentator.

The reason this guy annoys me so much is because every time Manchester United lose a game, or even concede a goal, he makes it out to be the biggest shock the world has ever seen.

Aston Villa scored their goal in the first half today, but the guy spent most of the second half running out stats of the last time Aston Villa beat United, the last time they won at Old Trafford, the last time the goal scorer scored against United, how many corn flakes their manager had for breakfast this morning, everything except telling you what was going on in the actual game.

United are going to lose games. If the Premier League is to be competitive then teams are going to have to beat each other.

I'd like to think that any one can beat any other team in the same league as them without the world coming to an end.

Granted, some results are a surprise, but it I'm getting sick and tired of everything that doesn't work out for United being a disaster, just the same as I hate everything good they do being made out to be more than it is.

It's a game of football. No team will win them all.

Sort it out you muppets!

One lucky lady

Many happy returns to the luckiest woman in the world, my wife!

Happy Birthday!

Let's play hunt the telephone!

Last night, my wife was out at a rodeo meeting (she volunteers at the Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo) when the phone rang.

Every time I'm home alone and the phone rings it's the same routine. My first reaction is to freeze. I don't know why but a ringing phone seems to spark confusion in my mind.

After a few seconds, I decide I should answer it so I run to the kitchen where the receiver is plugged in, only to realise that as we have a cordless home phone, that is actually the last place it will be. My wife likes to wonder around the house when she's talking on the phone.

Remembering we have another receiver in the bedroom, this is my next destination, only with the same result, no handset.

By this time, the answerphone has kicked in and it's too late. It's usually at this point I find the handset, notice the battery is dead and walk back to the kitchen or bedroom to charge it.

Only last night was even more fun. Both handsets were completely dead, so when the phone rang a second time shortly after, even though I knew the location of both handsets, there was actually no way of answering the bloody phone!

When my wife got home later that night, the first thing she said was, I rang but you didn't answer!

You couldn't make it up!

17 snowflakes cause carnage on Houston roads!!

I took a day off work today.

It was actually quite cold and we even had some snow.

My wife and I went to pick up a Christmas tree and it was probably the perfect winter weather that we never get in Houston.

When I got home, I found out that my office was closed at 11.40am and everyone was sent home.

We did have a fair bit of snow for Texas, but it was not sticking to the roads so I don't think there was any reason people should be sent home!

When I lived in England, I worked in Halifax which was about an 80 mile round trip every day. One day, I woke up and found the street covered in snow. By covered, I more 4 or 5 inches deep.

I cleared the snow and ice off the car and noticed there was a perfectly round hole in one of my windows. Some kids must've thrown a snowball at the car and because it was so cold, it went right through.

I taped up the window, and drove to work, over the pennines and found the weather was even worse in Yorkshire. We were probably looking at around 7-8 inches of snow, and I mean you actually had to walk through 7-8 inches of snow.

Nobody took the day off and the office didn't close, even though it didn't stop snowing all day.

When anything the slightest bit out of the ordinary happens in Houston, the entire city comes to a stand still. Schools close, which means parents have to miss work to look after there kids, and suddenly everyone forgets how to drive, if they even knew in the first place!

To show that it does get cold in Houston sometimes, here's a couple of pictures:

A trifle mad

About two months ago, we were doing out big shop in HEB and they had a small area where they sell a selection of British foods.

I spotted a box of Bird's trifle mix and excitedly put it in the cart. I haven't had trifle for years and haven't seen it for sale in the US.

My wife decided it cost far more than it was worth so we decided to wait until we went to England where we would buy one for much cheaper and bring it back.

Only we forgot.

So yesterday we found ourselves in HEB again and picked up the trifle mix we didn't get two bloody months ago!

Nice.

Beware cyber pick pockets now we've told them how to do it!

The local news in Houston is a great source for this blog and they didn't let me down the other night.

They ran a story and a frightening new form of 'cyber pick pocketing'.

Apparently, there are now some credit card machines that you just place your credit card against instead of swiping it and some kind of chip inside can be read giving your details.

Obviously, with new technology, villains are not far behind with a way to exploit it and this is no different.

The credit cards can be read by a hand held device without you knowing while they are still in your wallet or purse.

This really is scary stuff and the local news were right in building it up as their main story. Only there haven't actually been any recorded cases of this happening. They were just letting us know that it 'could' happen.

Yes. Of course it could. Now you've shown everyone how to do it on TV!!

Muppets!

Wide awake club

I've been on holiday for a couple of weeks to the UK & Ireland.

We got back on Monday night and I've been waking up early since.

It's 4am and I am most definitely in the wide awake club!

It's easy to be offended if you try hard enough!

Comedian Jimmy Carr was in trouble this week for a joke he made.

As the first word in this post suggested, Jimmy Carr is a comedian. It's his job to tell jokes and make light of things in the news but this time, there have been plenty of people who felt offended.

The joke itself was about how with all of the servicemen getting injured over in Iraq and Afghanistan we'll have one hell of a paralympic team in a few years.

I can understand if you are, or know someone who was injured in a war, but the truth is, most of us don't and when something horrific happens, those who aren't directly affected by it make light of and crack jokes about it. It's how we cope.

All Jimmy Carr did was make a humourous observation about something good that could come out of a horrible situation.

It was a joke.

Some people will go out of their way to be offended and bore the rest of us with their complaints. Obviously the media love a bit of controversy and they'll make this story much bigger than it really is.

Don't let the media make you feel like this is a personal insult to each and everyone of us. It was a joke made by a comedian. End of story.

The longest day of the year

Don't believe the hype, today is the longest day of the year.

Popular opinion tells us that the longest day is some time in June, which may be the middle day of the year, and the one in which we get most sunlight (by a fraction of a second) but it's not 25 hours long is it?

Some days at work may seem longer but the clocks went back an hour at 2am this morning which means that today is undoubtedly the longest day of the year.

So there.

Fall back and get up an hour earlier than normal

Don't forget to put your clocks back tonight.

As we enter November we have dark nights to look forward to.

On the up side, we allegedly get an extra hour in bed on Sunday morning. Only we don't really. All it means is you end up getting up an hour earlier.

I don't work Sundays, and don't think I ever have, apart from a paper round when I was younger so I wake up when I want on Sundays anyway, although that usually means waking up around the same time as you do during the week as you're so used to getting up early.

I can't lie in bed once I'm awake so I rarely sleep in.

Putting the clocks back an hour would be much more use if it was on a day when most people had to set their alarm to get up, like a Tuesday morning. That way, you really would get the benefit of an extra hour in bed!

Your floppy disk is the least of your worries old man!

Have you seen that advert on the telly for Viagra?

There's a bloke walking down the street when suddenly his reflection in a shop window starts talking to him about his erectile dysfunction.

The reflection suggests that he talks to his doctor about his, no, their "ED".

Now I'm not a doctor, but I would've thought he'd be better off talking to his doctor about his schizophrenia before worrying about anything else. I'm not sure either of them should be having sex until that is sorted out!

What do you mean you don't just blindly agree everything I say? You're banned!

It might just be me but I think there is something extremely undemocratic in the White House's vendetta against Fox News.

I don't see that it is appropriate for the Democrats to publicly state that Fox News is not a news organisation, and should not be treated as such.

It went even further on Thursday when the pool of five major news organisations, ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN & Fox News was reduced to four for a briefing with 'pay czar' Kenneth Feinberg.

See if you can guess which company was uninvited.

The one good thing about this story is the fact that the other four news companies refused to go ahead with the briefing, which would include not broadcasting the views the Democrats wanted the public to hear, if Fox News were not allowed in.

The other companies have also pressed senior White House figures on the issue whenever they have had the chance, including an ABC reporter who quizzed President Obama on the issue.

Obama claimed he wasn't losing any sleep over the issue.

Well of course not. You're trying to discredit a legitimate news organisation purely because they disagree with a lot of your policies!

The White House, the President and his senior advisers do not come out of this well at all. Are they going to try this every time somebody says something they don't like? Is this what democracy is these days?

Maybe the President will one day realise that your friends do not just blindly go along with whatever you do or say. Your real friends will be the ones to tell you when you are wrong.

I'm sure this story will run and run but at the moment I score it:
Fox News 1 The White House 0.

If it makes the news then yes, it has gone too far

Our local news have taken to advertising during tv shows with annoying little pop ups that have a picture of the news readers and a teasing headline designed to get you to watch.

The other day up it popped saying "Teens high school t-shirt. Did it go too far?"

Now, this is just my take on it but if what some kid wore to school made it to the local news then yes, I do believe it went too far.

I could be wrong.

Just share the bloody thing!

Hedgehogs eh?

Why can't they just share the bloody hedge??

Who do you support anyway??

Last week, Manchester played Sunderland at Old Trafford.

There is no rivalry with Sunderland if you're a Manchester United fan.

There is no local rivalry, they haven't been competing for trophey's over the last few...er, ever.

They're even managed by United legend Steve Bruce.

So what I don't understand is why during the game the Sunderland supporters were completely silent, until they suddenly broke into a chorus of "you'll never walk alone'.

As you're probably aware, 'You'll never walk alone' is a song associated with Liverpool FC, who are both local and competitive rivals of Manchester United, and have been for a long time.

Why would you sing another teams song to try and piss off the team you're currently playing? Is it because you are so insignificant that that is the only way you can register and make people notice you're there?

Who do you support anyway?

Get behind your own team, make up your own songs and stop worrying about other teams fans!

Muppets!

That flashing light on the front of your car is not a broken headlight! Use it!

I had to run an errand this morning so as I was pulling out of the neighbourhood, there was a car coming but I didn't want to be like most drivers and pull out regardless and make them brake suddenly so I waited patiently as there was nothing behind it.

As the car approached the road I was about to turn out from, it suddenly slowed down and turned.

This is probably the thing that annoys me more than most about other drivers.

If the car was turning, surely it wouldn't be too much trouble for the person to signal and let me know so I could pull out safely, instead of sitting there waiting only for them to turn at the last minute??

The flashing light on the front of the car is not a broken headlight! It is a signal that lets other drivers know when you are about to make a turn!

The other thing Houston drivers like to do is when you're driving behind them they suddenly slow down to a virtual stop for no reason. What is it? Why are you stopping all of a sudden? Is there a dog in the road? Let me know so I can avoid the obstacle myself.

Oh, you're just turning into that side street? Ok, thanks for letting me know because you were actually stopped in the middle of the road near enough and made me and all the cars behind me stop too wondering what was going on.

The best one though is when you're the only car on the road with nothing behind you for miles, but some stupid ignorant wanker decides he has to pull out in front of you making you slam on your brakes!

Would it really have slowed you down that much if you'd waited 3 seconds for me to pass before pulling out and having the road to yourself??

Muppets!

It's only a bit of rain, grow up and get on with it!

Growing up in Manchester, you get used to the rain.

Living in Houston, you'd think they'd get used to the rain.

Ok, so early summer it might not rain for three months, but is that really long enough to forget how to drive in it?

Whenever it rains, the entire City of Houston comes to a stand still.

During the first rain after a long dry spell, I've seen virtually everyone in the office just stand up and walk over to the window and stare blankly outside as if they're all in a trance.

You also get people who will sit and look out of the window for over an hour just waiting for it to stop long enough for them to make it to their car.

People are actually surprised that I even contemplate leaving when that wet watery stuff is just falling from the sky.

I tell them what I'm going to tell you know.

You don't get far where I'm from being scared to walk in the rain.

Try having no car and having to walk to the nearest bus stop, and then stand there with no shelter alone with the elements hoping that a bus, any bus turns up any minute. Add in the fact that it's below freezing and you can no longer feel your feet and you might get an idea of what it's like in Manchester. In the summer.

Muppets!

Fans do not see you as more of a hero who will love them for all eternity just because you kiss the badge!

There's been a growing trend over the last few years for footballers, mostly those with a habit of moving clubs regularly, running towards the crowd after scoring and kissing the badge on their shirt.

What is that all about?

Cesc Fabregas was at it the other day. After scoring Arsenals 4th goal against Blackburn he ran to the crowd tugging at the badge on his shirt and making a display of kissing it.

Is he trying to tell us he loves the club?

A much easier way would be to declare that he is staying at the club every time Barcelona come sniffing but he doesn't do that.

I would bet a large amount of money that Cesc Fabregas will not be an Arsenal player in 2 year's time.

And it's usually the same way with these badge kissers. They love the club and it's fans as long as they're paying their astronomical wages but as soon as they get a better offer there's a new badge to kiss.

Kissing the badge of a club does not make the fans love you more.

In fact, to real fans, you come across as a bit of a dick, and more of a mercenary who is there for the money but won't admit it.

It's ok, you're allowed to say it

It's very sad when someone dies.

The thing that gets me though is how when people are passing on the news they bet around the bush, afraid to actually say that someone has died.

Instead we get 'they've gone', or 'they've passed'.

Gone where? The hospital's TV room?

Passed what? Wind? A stone?

'He's gone to meet his maker'. Oh that's nice, I bet his parents have missed him.

You can be talking to some about a mutual friend 'moving on' and you're thinking how rude to leave town without saying goodbye, oblivious to the fact that they have died because no one will actually say the word.

It's not a bad word.

It's a very sad event, but however it's worded doesn't change the fact.

When someone dies we have enough to worry about without trying to find new ways to pass on the news without actually saying it.

Selling a few albums and marrying Beyonce does not make you the new Sinatra.

Have you heard Jay-Z's new song "Empire State of Mind"?

It's not actually a bad song, even though it features Alicia Keys singing the chorus.

Basically the song is about being from New York. It's hardly Manchester but we can't all be that lucky.

The thing I have a problem is the line where Jay-Z declares himself the new Sinatra.

Now come on, I think that's a bit much. So you've sold a few records, and you're a successful business man with your own record label, I'm not denying that but the new Sinatra? Really?

There is just no comparison. For a start, I would guess that there a large number of people who have no idea who Jay-Z is, other than Beyonce's husband but do you really think they will be playing his music in 50 years time with every person knowing all the words?

Why are those Japanese people on TV talking about Houston's local news? That just doesn't make sense.

Notice anything ridiculously unhelpful with this picture?

This is a shot of the Heroes season premiere featuring Hiro and Ando. Fans of the show will know that these two particular characters are Japanese so when they are talking, subtitles appear on the screen.

So it's a good time for the local news to flash up an advertisement telling us what is coming up at 10pm.

Seriously, do these muppets not even think before they do something like this? Maybe wait 30 seconds until there aren't subtitles on the screen? Or position the advertisement elsewhere on the screen?

Hmm, maybe they think that this is the only time when the eyes of the entire audience will be focused on the same area trying to read the fucking subtitles so they think it's the perfect place to get maximum exposure!

Why do the local news need to advertise? Nothing ever happens on the local news. They tell you what the weather was like today which you already know because you were there. They try and guess what the weather will be like tomorrow and for the rest of the week, then repeat this every three minutes in between telling you what else is coming up later (e.g. The Tonight Show, weather, sports).

Thanks for that.

Muppets.

I did check my local listings thank you very much and it said this channel would be showing the game

Last week the UEFA Champions League returned and Manchester United had a tough game in Turkey against Besiktas.

After the collapse of Setanta in the UK, added to ESPN losing the rights to Champions League games I had to search through some little known channels to try and find coverage of the game.

Luckily, I stumbled across eight consecutive channels called UEFA. The listing for each channel showed one of the eight Champions League games taking place that day so I found the one with the United game, set it to record so I could watch it when I got home from work and thought nothing of it.

When I sat down to watch the game, I was relieved that it had been recorded and there was 2 hours and 15 minutes of exciting Champions League build up and action. Then I clicked play and was greeted by this screen, for the full 2 hours and 15 minutes.

In case you can't read the text, it helpfully states "This match may be available on your local cable sports network. Check listings for coverage in your area."

If only I had thought to do that.

Muppets!

P.S. Our walls aren't really orange. It just looks that way in the photo for some reason. It was taken at night so it must be the affect of the big light on my iphone's camera.

More nasty, pointless, evil little scumbags, that fly!

I recently posted about fire ants and wondered what their actual point was. Well, last weekend we went down to Galveston and we were attacked by another similarly pointless evil species. Mosquito's.

What is the point in mosquito's? Do they actually do anything to benefit anything?

Last weekend there were thousands of the little bastards who clung to any exposed piece of skin as soon as you went outside.

The only slightly good thing is that there were also lots of huge dragonflies who eat mosquito's but unfortunately they weren't quick enough, or hungry enough to get them all.

It's new to you if you only have one channel on your TV

Have you seen Jay Leno's new show? It started last week on NBC after Jay quit The Tonight Show at the end of May.

The new show is pretty much the same as the old one, except it's on an hour earlier.

Starting this week, Jay has an exciting new feature where his guests race around a specially constructed race track in actual cars to see who gets the best time.

On Saturday morning, the Today Show did a special feature on this and how they all laughed how this is what happens when you give Jay Leno three months off work.

Indeed. He watches Top Gear on BBC America who have been doing the same thing, only much better, for years.

Crazy.

Why make up a word combining two words when one of the two words does the job just fine??

Been busy lately? Been up to much?

Or have you just been chillaxing?

There's a word I don't understand. Well, I do understand it, but I don't understand why people use it.

It's a combination of Chilling, and relaxing, which means erm, relaxing.

So why combine two words to make a word that does not exist, when one of the words you're bastardising works just as well on it's own?

Insania.

This is exactly why we don't let you sleep with us more often!

For a treat, the other night my wife and I decided we would let the dogs sleep in our bed.

The next morning, I woke up earlier than usual, clinging to the edge of the bed. My wife was almost on top of me leaving me hardly any room to manoeuvre.

Boomer on the other hand had over half the bed to himself. He took advantage of this by spreading out, length ways as if to rub it in our faces.

This is exactly why we don't let the dogs sleep in the bed more often. They take up all the room. They get really close to you, and every time you move a little bit to get more comfortable away from them, they move up to get close to you again meaning that by the time morning arrives, I'm on the floor, and my wife is clinging on to the edge of the bed by her fingertips!

Maybe if they both just found a small place out of the way we'd let them more often.

Come on, play the game boys.

There's help for us all now you fat cow!

Footballer's wife Alex Curran is an example to us all.

Married to Liverpool player Steven Gerrard, smart cookie Alex realised the media spotlight may shine her way.

Unhappy with her figure, Alex went on an eight month fitness kick, cutting out the burgers and take aways she loved so much and now says shes "never felt better".

She goes on "I love the new me and Steven does, too. He loves the fact that I’ve ditched my unhealthy habits and has helped motivate me to keep up the hard work.”

For anyone keeping count, Alex Curran lost a total of 8 pounds on her fitness kick. 8. pounds.

You can read the story and see the pictures here. For reasons of decency I won't dig out the before pictures.

How did her body cope with carrying all that extra weight? How did her heart not just give up years ago?

Seriously. She's about 3 stone now, so before she must've been a good 3 and a half stone. I can't imagine she'd seen the inside of many chippies or take aways.

Is this story really supposed to be an example to us all, and to show us how, with a little hard work and dedication, we can all lose 8 pounds and weigh same as a four year old?

You can't fix stupid

If only someone invented a type of hat that could keep the sun out of your eyes..

If you end the series on a cliffhanger it is not really a cliffhanger, we know there will be another series next year!

Have you ever watched Rescue Me? If not, it's a show on FX about a group of New York firemen struggling to keep it together after 9/11.

It's full of dark humour and is a good show.

Anyway, my wife and I watched the "season finale" the other day and it ended on a cliffhanger.

Only it didn't. The fact that it ended on a cliffhanger tells us that the show will return next year.

If the show was not returning, they would tie up the loose ends and tell us that Tommy is dead but the fact that we're supposedly left wondering tells us that he will recover just fine.

Why do the editors of US TV shows give the game away so easily? They really think they're being clever and keeping us all on the edge of our seats but if you watch closely enough, you get to learn their tricks and sometimes it ruins things because you know exactly what is going to happen.

Muppets.

What is the point in those nasty, poisonous little scumbags?

What is the point of fire ants?

We went to Galveston for the weekend and the grass around the beach house was covered in lots of small fire ant mounds.

This made walking the dogs a lot more tricky than it should be as Busby has a habit of annoying insects that sting or bite.

When we got home we weren't sure where our house was. We're pretty sure we left it where we usually left it but we couldn't see it. It was blocked by the two biggest fire ant hills there ever was!

What is the point of these creatures?

Maybe somebody somewhere actually wants their soil piled up into nice little mounds around their garden, but surely even they have no use for the nasty, poisonous little scumbags that will use their psychic powers to make sure they all attack you at the same time causing maximum pain.

Nothing gives me greater pleasure than pouring poison on top of their nest and watching hundreds of them come crawling out to see what is happening, then happily carry the poison into the nest to share with their friends. Bye bye scumbags.

Alive and kicking

I just checked wikipedia and Bob Greaves is still alive.

He's 75 though so maybe I should add 'at the time of publication' to that statement.

Keep Christmas in December

Last weekend, my wife and I had to pick up some cards for various upcoming birthdays, anniversaries etc so we stopped by the local Hallmark shop.

When you enter the shop you're greeted by a big Halloween display, which is fair enough I suppose.

However, as you venture further into the store, behind the Halloween pumpkins, they had their Christmas display already set up.

This was August. The end of August granted but still fucking August!

Does the shops make Christmas earlier and earlier every year or am I just turning into a Grinch?

Bob Greaves would be turning in his grave, if he was dead.

Is Bob Greaves dead? He was quite old on Granada Reports so he could be.

Jumpy little cursor making me click on things I don't want!

I wrote last week about how text sometimes disappears from the screen when you're typing.

Well, this week I have something similar that annoys me.

There I was, innocently updating my Netflix queue when instead of clicking update, my cursor decided I wanted to redeem a gift card so he jumped up to the top of the screen at the exact second I was about to click update.

I don't know what made my cursor think I wanted to redeem a gift card. I don't actually have a Netflix gift card to redeem. In fact, I didn't even know you could get gift cards for Netflix.

I'd even typed new numbers next to the films I wanted to move up my queue so if the cursor had anything about it, it would've known all I wanted to do was update my queue. The clue was that I was actually aiming it at the update button.

I'm pretty sure the cursor's sole role in life is to point at things while I click on them using my mouse.

Deary me.

My iTunes chart is taking over my life!

I have a problem.

I listen to a lot of music and probably have most albums ever released but that's not the problem.

My problem is iTunes. I love iTunes and buy most of my music from there these days but I have a problem when listening back to music.

iTunes keeps count of the number of times you've listened to a song and this is where the problem starts.

First off, for it to count, you have to play a song all the way to the end. This is not normally a problem, except when listening to songs through iTunes.

For some reason, I want iTunes to keep an accurate record of which songs I listen to so it compiles an unofficial sad Andy chart.

I suppose this comes from when I was younger and I used to compile my own chart based on which songs I'd heard on TV or the radio each week. It was imaginatively called The TV & Radio Top 30.

Anyway, because iTunes keeps track of the songs you listen to, instead of just moving on to the next song when I get bored of the current one, I have to skip to the end of it so it gets it's point, and then click on the next song I want to listen to.

As iTunes is keeping count of all the songs I play, I find myself listening to songs that I think should be at the top of the chart, or at least need a little help climbing a few spots.

Disaster almost strikes when my wife decides to listen to music during the day. Sometimes she even goes as far as creating a playlist for her to listen to while she works.

You're probably wondering what the problem is aren't you?

Well, please allow me to educate you.

My wife has about 25-30 songs on the playlist, and she just leaves it playing all day, on repeat so it plays the same songs over and over.

When that happens, it destroys all of my hard work in getting all of the songs in the required order and we end up with Britney Spears & Lady GaGa shooting up the chart as they've been played 34 times in a day, which then has the knock on effect of pushing Oasis and the Stone Roses down and I for one would be suitably embarrassed should anyone pop in to look at my iTunes library and see Britney Spears proudly sitting on top of some proper bands.

So the result is I never get to listen to songs in their entirety as there is still so much work to be done to make sure everything is in the correct order and properly reflects which songs I listen to, and like, the most.

In case you're interested, the current number one song is Take That's Rule the world. It was the song of our first dance at our wedding so I suppose it's ok.

Now my peaches are all brown after 2 days!

I know I've already posted today but just to rub in the whole bananagate fiasco, the peaches that we bought 2 days ago, the same peaches that were hard to the touch and we thought would take a few days to ripen, have now gone off.

They are brown and furry, ok, so they were already furry, they are peaches after all, but they shouldn't be brown!

They're going to call this peachgate aren't they?

Bananagate update: Green with a hint of brown

You've probably been on tenterhooks the last few days so I thought I would give you an update on what has rapidly become known as bananagate. If you have any hooks left, they're sure to be tentered.

You will remember that in an attempt to buy bananas that would last until at least half way through the working week, we picked up some green ones from the local supermarket.

It is now day 19 and we have some developments.

Although they may look a bit yellow in the picture, they're still mostly green but what's this? We have some signs of brownness.

Not only have the bananas failed to uphold their side of the bargain and turn a nice edible yellow, but they've decided to skip that phase entirely and go straight to the mushy browny, must be thrown away stage.

I know.

Piss all over the floor

If you're a man and you work in the same office as me, I have one small request.

Please stand a little bit closer to the urinal in future.

Having to wade through all the piss on the floor is not nice. It's obviously not as big as you think.

Maybe you just need some target practice but it's pretty disgusting at your age.

Thank you.

Where does all the text go when you're typing away but when you look at the screen there is nothing there?

Annoying isn't it?

When you have to fill something in online and you're typing away and then you look up at the screen and there's nothing there. You wither didn't click in the box where you want to type, or more likely, you did click on it, and the little flashing cursor thing appeared but then vanished when you actually started typing.

Where does all that text go?

Is there an old man somewhere getting more and more confused because he keeps getting e-mails from strangers with part words and sentences?

He's old, he's probably confused enough as it is.

And while I'm on the subject, what about those forms you're trying to fill online that suddenly jump to the next box while you're typing so you have to delete it and start again? It's especially useful as you can't copy and paste on most of these websites.

There you are filling in your name in the first box then when you look up your first name is A and your date of birth is ndrew.

It pisses me off!

People in Houston are friendly are they? Have you ever driven on the same road as them?

In England it's actually quite difficult to get a driving licence. You have to take weeks, or months of lessons, pass a written test and then pass a lengthy practical exam.

In Houston however, it is much easier.

People from Houston like to pride themselves on how friendly the people are. If you've ever had the misfortune of driving on one of the millions of miles of road in this concrete jungle then you will know that is absolute bullshit.

Driving home last night I saw a number of things that worried (and shocked me). Bearing in mind my drive home is much shorter than it used to be there is still plenty of opportunity for sudden and violent death.

First off, the car in front of me was signalling right. This is a shock in itself as most Houston driver's thing that blinking light on the front of the car must be a broken headlight. The only problem is, they were turning left as their indicator said the exact opposite.

At the next set of traffic lights, I was sat in the right hand lane waiting to turn right. It was a three land road with the third lane restricted to left turns. Except for the guy in the blue Honda who decided that just as the light turned green, he would cut across the traffic and turn right from the lane furthest left.

Next up was a guy who was turning right, from the left hand lane, and get this, he was signalling his intentions with that flashy light thing. So far so good. Except this wasn't good enough for the guy behind him who honked his horn long and hard, disgusted that the car in front was slowing down his journey home!

My personal favourite trick of the Houston motorist is when they're riding along at the same exact speed as you're going in the lane next to them, except for when you turn on your indicator, letting them know you're about to enter their lane. That little flashing light signals something in their brain that reminds them that they are now travelling far too slow and must speed up before anyone has the audacity of getting in front of them safely.

Driving home every night I see the same thing. There is a section of the road when three lanes goes down to two. 90% of the nights the same thing happens. Most drivers know the outside lane is about to end and make their way into one of the two remaining lanes. But not that guy right at the back. He needs to get there before everyone else so he will put his foot down and stay in the outside lane until the last possible moment, and then pull in without signalling forcing a long line of cars to slam on their brakes. Sometimes he decides his lane doesn't really end and carries on over the yellow lines pushing someone else even closer to not actually making it home again.

Learn to drive you ignorant bastards. If you can't do that, at least have the courtesy to wrap yourself around that fucking lamp post and not some innocent bastard just trying to get home to see his wife and kids.

Will there ever be a day when the current US President doesn't address the nation in front of television cameras?

Thought for the day:

Will the current US President ever have a day where he isn't talking to the nation in front of television cameras?

Seriously. It's like the Truman Show. Everything the guy does is in front of the cameras.

He obviously hasn't been told how over exposure can kill even the most promising media career.

Still bloody green!

It's now day 11 of bananagate so I thought I'd post a picture of them in their current state.

Still bloody green.

Did you really forget how to drop your kids off at school over the summer??

It’s the first day back at school today.

I don’t have kids so it doesn’t really affect me, except when it comes to the drive to work.

I can’t get to the office without passing at least two schools and as usual, it seems that over the summer, the parents have forgotten how to drive, and also forgotten how to behave courteously while dropping their kids off.

This morning, when I came out of our neighbourhood and came to the local junior school, the roads were carnage. Cars were blocking all of the lanes, people were parked on any piece of land they could find. Even the police showed up to try and direct traffic so people could get through.

Did these people really forget how to drop their kids off at school and move on with the minimum of fuss?

It always strikes me how the first couple of days of school are always like this before people start to get back in their routine.

Come on people, summer wasn’t any longer than other years was it? It always amazes me how much more traffic there is on the roads when the schools are back, and not just the roads around the schools.

The roads are a lot quieter in the summer so there must be millions of people who only venture out of their house to take their kids to school.

Loserville has a new resident!

My Wife has a new obsession.

She's recently started working on a farm.

She's been ploughing fields, harvesting crops and tending various farm animals and she's been making some good money recently.

I suppose the Aerogarden I bought her for her birthday last year inspired her to go on to bigger and better things. No longer is she content with growing seven varieties of lettuce or some basil now it's lemon trees, and sheep.

Only it isn't. Her new obsession is Farmville, some silly game on Facebook.

The object of the game is to run your own pretend farm and plant pretend crops and then over varying amounts of time, you can pretend to harvest them and make pretend money to spend on more pretend crops. Only my wife forgets the pretend part.

Not only does she have her own pretend farm but she also set one up for me too so when all of her crops have been harvested, she can tend to mine.

The problem I have is that sometimes Farmville publishes notifications on your Facebook page to let your friends know what you've been up to, so it now appears that I spend all day on my pretend farm when I'm actually at work.

Last night, a friend of my wife's stayed over and when my wife was telling her all about Farmville, she had the understandable reaction of telling her she should get out more.

Well, this morning, the two of them were on the computer for a few hours setting up a new pretend farm for the friend!

Not only that, but around noon, my wife's friend called to ask how long her crops would take to grow. My wife told her they would be ready around 1.15pm.

At 1.20pm, the friend called my wife again to tell her that she was out at the store and ask if she could log on to her pretend farm and harvest her pretend crops for her so they don't (pretend to) wither and die!

Loserville has a new resident!

Bananas update

It's now Friday night and I ended up bringing my bananas home for the weekend because they are still as green as the Irish hills.

Did we buy plastic ones by mistake?

You are driving me bananas!

I like bananas as much as the next man, but usually when I buy them, by about the Wednesday they're not in the best condition.

Last Saturday, my Wife and I were doing our grocery shopping at Fiesta for a change and as I didn't want my bananas to have turned to mush by Monday I picked some green ones.

The only trouble is, it's now Friday and they're still bloody green!

These must be the greenest bananas there ever was!

I even placed them in a brown paper back for the last two days but even that hasn't worked so now I have to hope they'll be ready to eat by next Monday.

I did call my Wife at one point to ask her if they really were bananas but we'll just have to wait and see.

Two more years of reminding you and convincing you to go!

My Wife is currently walking the streets of our neighbourhood knocking on doors to ask people to sign a proxy form for the next Homeowner's meeting.

She has been a board member for the past two years and it drives me mad!

There are meetings once a month, which she always forgets about so I have to remind her, she then remembers she has to print a lot of things out to take with her two minutes before she's supposed to be there, then two hours later comes home complaining about whatever was discussed at the meeting.

She is up for re-election this year and this was the perfect opportunity to resign and let someone else take over...but no. The only time my Wife gets enthusiastic about being on the board is when she has the chance to leave.

We discussed her leaving the board and she did get as far as telling the other board members that she was considering not running for re-election. However, about two weeks later she left an e-mail up on the computer screen that was her confirming to the board that she would run for re-election.

So now I have to put the second Monday the month in my work calendar for the next two years so I can remind her to go and maybe even convince her to attend pointing out that she had the chance to leave.

The funny thing is, she only got dragged into being on the board because when she first bought our house she decided she wanted to attend the annual meeting and when they announced they needed volunteers she tried to push me forward. The chairperson at the time spotted her attempt to force me into volunteering and called her out on it and she hasn't been able to escape since!

Something is not right here!

How come now that I've moved to an office much closer to home, I just end up working longer hours instead of getting home early??

So dogs can tell when it's going to rain can they?

Apparently dogs know when it's going to rain.

Funny then, how they are unable to plan ahead and realise that as they're scared of the rain, it might be a good idea to go outside and pee before it starts?

Not our dogs.

There's something just wrong about a grown man wailing like a little girl

You may have noticed from my last post that I'm not a fan of country music.

It's not that I can't understand it's appeal. Some people just aren't intelligent enough to understand songs that aren't about women who think tractors are sexy or drinking beer on the porch with your dog after your wife has walked out.

I actually don't hate all country music. I think there are some female country singers who can write a catchy tune but that's as far as it goes.

The one thing I don't get though, and this actually annoys me as well as making me feel a little bit uncomfortable is grown men singing country music.

There's just something not right about it.

I can understand the appeal a cute blonde girl in tight jeans but there is nothing appealing about the men in country music.

It's a bit like them blokes you meet who are just a bit too friendly. They're harmless enough but they're touchy feely in a way that normal men aren't and it unnerves you a bit and makes you protective of the kids.

It is just wrong.

Imagine disco night on the mental ward

Last weekend, my Wife and I were invited to a country and western club for a friend's birthday.

This was my first time at such an establishment and I spent pretty much the whole night starring open jawed at the dancefloor.

Now, I've been to quite a lot of clubs in my lifetime but I have never been to one where everyone, and I do mean everyone either dances around the dancefloor in a circle (I believe this is called two-stepping) or in a line.

It seems these people are unable, or unwilling to throw some shapes of their own and everyone has to behave in exactly the same way.

The circle dancing was just bizarre. It was like being at a roller rink watching everyone going round and round.

The line dancing was just like the Thriller video, except some of the women weren't as good looking as the undead. Although that may have had something to do with my sober state.

But the main thing I learnt that night is that there is not a man on this earth who can wear tight jeans, a checked shirt, over sized belt buckle and a stetson and look any other than a simpleton who has been allowed out for the day before returning to a padded room.

I was impressed by one geriatric cowboy though. Apparently it's rude to decline when someone asks you to dance and there was one old timer who took advantage of the situation and spent the whole night with a variety of young fillies on his arm.

Hi-5 to that fella but I hope the rest of them keep taking their medication.

We left around 1.30am but I can only assume that at 2am the short bus arrived to take them all back to the ward.

I'll get in trouble for this but it has happened to me twice in the five minutes I've been on the computer

I actually came on here to post on my other blog but as soon as I typed in blogger.com, I was taken to my Wife's blogger page.

There's a very good reason for this and that is my Wife is unable to locate the log out button on most web pages. Sometimes it's called sign out so I can understand the confusion.

The up shot of this is that whenever I go to a page where we both have accounts, e-mail, blogger etc, I first have to log her out, before I can log in as myself.

As our computer tends to be quite slow these days, the timing of this series of events means that on the rare occasions I use the desktop computer at home, I click on the address of the web site I wish to visit, I then click log out (or sign out) for my Wife, and then the computer has some sort of nervous break down probably due to having to carry out a command it is unfamiliar with. The time it takes the computer to think about what it is doing and then give me the opportunity to sign in as myself varies greatly, but it is always, and I really do mean always, the exact amount of time it takes my Wife to realise I'm gone and to come in to see what I'm doing.

She then decides she has a more important way for me to spend my time and as soon as I get signed on, I reluctantly click log off for a second time.

This is Andy, signing off.

P.S. I love my Wife very much. She's ace.

Just spit it out you moron!

We were watching America's got talent last. If ever a show was mis-titled, this is it.

Just look at the panel of judges, one appeared on tv 20 years ago and has been pretty much a joke ever since (except in Germany), the one in the middle married a musician and screeches a lot, and the one on the end is a disgraced newspaper editor who was forced to resign over the publication of fake photo's depicting soldiers abusing prisoners during the Iraq conflict.

But the thing that really pisses me off is the way they tell people whether they are through to the next round or not.

It's not just a simple yes or no. That would be too easy. The public need to be on the edge of their seat while the judges say things to try and make you think they're going to say the exact opposite of what they're actually going to say. Such as 'I'm sorry to tell you that you are about to hear something that will make you realise that might not be what some people are looking for and there is no other way of saying this but you are not going through...(dramatic pause)....the exit door tonight and are not in the next round....(another dramatic pause)...of cuts and in fact are not leaving the show just yet.'

What is the point in all that?

It must be torture for the contestants as they're left completely confused about whether they got through or not but it does not make for good television. It just makes the judges look like manipulative pricks.

You can pretty much judge them as soon as they walk on stage so a simple yes or no will suffice!

Muppets.

What is the point in being coy about your age when your wrinkles give you away?!?

Why do some people (mostly women) not like telling people how old they are?

Someone at work decided they were going to ask people when their birthday was but were sure to clarify that they didn't want to know the year people were born as most don't like giving out that information.

Here's a newsflash for you: Most people already know roughly how old you are. The wrinkles on your forehead give it away. If you're past a certain age then it's unlikely your neck looks like that of a spring chicken (probably more of a turkey to be honest).

It's not like you're going to tell someone you were born in 1965 and then have them faint in shock as they thought you were 17!

I suppose it works the same with weight. If someone told me they weighed 400 pounds, it probably wouldn't come as a surprise to me that they were fairly hefty. There would be other clues I'd like to think I'd pick up on first.

So what is the big deal??

Make up your mind people, do you want a hug or a kiss??

I'm not the most sociable person.

It's not that I don't like social situations, but if someone is having a party, I like to slip in and out pretty much unnoticed. I don't want to spend the first hour walking round making sure I've said hello to everyone, and then another hour saying goodbye.

Once I've had enough and it's time to go, I just want to leave.

Obviously it's polite to thank your hosts and say goodbye to them but that's it. Ok, I'll say bye to anyone I happen to pass on the way out too.

The reason I don't want to go around saying hellos and goodbyes is because of the whole hug and kiss confusion.

With blokes, I'm ok. I know all I have to do is shake their hand. If you see another bloke you know and they're not within hand shaking distance, a simple nod of the head will suffice. Both parties are happy with that.

Women are a whole other kettle of fish.

Some women just want to give you a hug. Some women want to give you a hug and a kiss, some want to give you a hug but want a kiss from you and others just want a kiss with no hug.

How can I possibly keep up with the huggers, and the huggers & kissers??

It's not like I can keep a log as most of the time there isn't chance to consult it before one of them spots you and moves in. By this time it's too late and you'd just end up hitting them in the face with your notepad and that's no way to announce your arrival at a party.

Do you go for the hug and run the risk of leaving them hanging or kissing the back of your sweaty head?

Or do you go in for the cheek kiss and risk upsetting them further? You're already leaving so they're sure to be pretty upset to begin with.

Just when you think you've seen it all someone will come up with a new combination that just leaves you stumped.

Recently, we met an old friend of the family and knowing there would be a hug and/or kiss situation at the beginning, I did the only thing I could do and hid behind my wife so I could prepare and see what I was in for. The two women hugged and that was it. Ok, I can handle that, or so I thought.

The lady in question then approached me. She was a couple of steps away so I had time to get in position, only she wasn't getting in position and she was almost upon me by now.

There was an awkward pause that lasted almost the entire night. Well, probably about 3 seconds but it seemed a lot longer at the time. She still wasn't budging.

This time there was to be no hug. She went straight in for a solo kiss. A kiss with no hug. What's that about? And a kiss right on the lips at that!

How can I keep up when they change the rules from person to person?

She was an older divorcee by the way so do I take that into account? Do I need to keep a log based on a person's marital status and age?

As you can see, this is a potential minefield. Can we all agree to a set of ground rules then? I don't mind if it's just a hug, or a hug and a kiss, or just a hug to say hello with the kiss added to say goodbye as long as we all agree and stick to it.

Maybe in future the host can add it to the invitations so we're all on the same page? Or we could all wear badges.

Until then I'll probably be happy with a quiet night in.

Attention whores will fade away and die if you ignore them for just one day!

Another thing that gets on my nerves is Facebook status updates.

Most are ok but you get some people who like to put really pretentious and vague updates just begging people to reply with 'ooh, is everything ok?', or 'are you alright? Is there anything I can do?'.

I saw one the other day where the person in question is known as somewhat of a drama queen and she'd put such a status update on her page. There were about 8 responses when I looked but I thought it was funny that not one person had taken the bait and given the person what she craved They just gave her a 'WTF!' and moved on. Brilliant.

People like this are attention whores, nothing more and you know what, they live and breathe on the oxygen of the attention you give them. If you ignore them, they will fade away and leave your life forever.

You know it makes sense.

If winning the lottery won't change you what is the point??

You know who I don't understand?

Lottery winners who hit the jackpot and win millions and then proudly declare "It won't change me".

If it won't change you, what is the point??

If you're happy with your life as it is, why are you playing the lottery?

I don't know about you, but if I won big on the lottery it would change me. That's why I would buy a lottery ticket. I wouldn't keep working. I wouldn't live in the same house. And I certainly wouldn't keep doing the same things I've always done because let's face it, we live our lives the way we do because in most cases we can't afford to live the way we want to! Having twenty million in the bank will allow me to do the things I've always wanted to do. It would also give me chance to change the lives of people close to me.

I'm not saying people can't be happy without money, but to play the lottery, there has to be something more you hope to have one day?

So if the money won't change you, give it to someone whose life it will change. There are plenty of people in need of some help in this world!

Muppets.

Brace yourself for the fruits of my preparation

I love the language newspapers use during the transfer window silly season.

Teams that don't want to sell a player are always "bracing themselves", or "preparing for a bid" for their man.

In what way are they "bracing themselves"? Are they all stood nervously around the fax machine biting their nails down to the cuticles?

At the same time, buying clubs are "getting ready to launch a bid".

How exactly? Do they scribble it on a bit of paper, screw it up then drop it into a readily positioned cannon and fire it at the other clubs window?

Doesn't the Chairman of one club just phone the other up and ask him if the player is for sale? Or maybe he sends them an e-mail? How much preparation does it take to e-mail "I'll give you £20 million for so and so"? You probably couldn't get both of the So twins for £20 million anyway but I was just making a point.

(There aren't really twin footballers who go by the name of So, at least I don't think there is, and if there is, it is purely co-incidental)

We cannot read your signs you muppets!

As it hasn't rained for 4 years, well, not really but it seems like it, the water company for our neighbourhood have decided to impose restrictions. It only covers watering your garden at the moment but they didn't actually bother to tell anyone.

One day last week, scruffy little signs suddenly appeared stuck in the grass verge by the side of the road on the way into the neighbourhood. The signs weren't clear and were probably missed by most people used to all of the "Garage sales" signs put up in similar fashion.

Confused, my Wife looked at the company's website but there was no mention of any restrictions.

As my Wife is on the homeowners board, and runs their website, the following day she called the water company for more information so she could let everyone know, only nobody in the office knew anything. They promised to get back to her but that was a week and a half ago now so I won't hold my breath.

How can something as serious as drought restrictions (as that's what the signs say) be handled so hap-hazardly? Why is there nothing on the website? The signs do give a web address is you have unbelievable vision but what is the point?

Nothing has been mailed to the resident's so no one is any the wiser.

When you get close enough to actually read the signs, they're telling being to alternate the days when they water their garden, and only between the hours of 8pm and 6am.

I've actually been to a meeting with the water board. My Wife dragged me to one kicking and screaming last year and I've never seen a group of public servants treat the people they serve with such contempt. Now I think about it, water boarding is probably too good for them.

So we're just going to carry on as normal. That is watering our garden whenever we remember regardless of the time or day thank you very much.

Muppets.

Where's the giraffe's??

Did you notice the whole media circus surrounding the death of Michael Jackson?

Did you spot Anderson Cooper riding his unicycle passed the TV cameras? No, me neither.

I'm sure it would have been a lot more fun if it actually was a media circus. I think Michael Jackson would've appreciated that considering the resident's he shared his Neverland ranch with (monkey's, giraffe's, sick little Mexican kids etc).

Imagine if we saw Larry King swinging on the trapeze clasping hands with Bill O'Reilly, doing some magnificent Cirque Du Soleil move, or Katie Couric bringing the bearded lady routine a touch of glamour.

All of this would be started off with Geraldo arriving in a car that proceeded to fall apart leaving him exposed in the seat holding a steering wheel in his hand.

Magic.

It will be hot and sunny every. single. day!

They say if you don't like the weather in Houston, wait half an hour and it will change.

Really?

Today it was hot and sunny.

Yesterday was hot and sunny.

Tomorrow will be hot and sunny.

In fact, you can pretty much guarantee that between April and October, every day will be exactly the same. Hot and sunny.

After October, it will be slightly less hot but mostly sunny until April when the whole cycle starts again.

Fox Views

I see Fox News are still donating most of their schedule to complaining about other networks' coverage of Michael Jackson.

I don't watch Fox News much but my Wife does so it is sometimes on when I turn on the TV.

The other night a show came on and the host told us how he was sick of the blanket coverage of the death of Michael Jackson and he certainly wouldn't be wasting his show on the same story.

Fair enough, if he didn't then have three guests from various areas of the media who had been invited in to discuss both the death of the King of Pop and the media coverage of it.

Are they for real?

They delight in telling us how people are sick of the same coverage but then go on and spend all their time on the same thing!

I'm not being hypicritical myself. I don't care about the coverage of Michael Jacksoin. I don't watch it but if that is what people want to see, and the ratings show that it is, then the media will continue to cover it. My problem is just with some in the media spending time covering others coverage of the issue and complaining about it.

Mr Outraged

Last night, while having a cup of tea, my Wife turned on the TV and it was already tuned to Fox news. Bill O'Reilly was on with a couple of guests discussing the death of Michael Jackson.

Bill O'Reilly was talking about how a big news story always breaks when he is on vacation (he was in Switzerland last week), and how he refused to return home to cover the Michael Jackson story.

He then went on to discuss at great length how much other news channels were running Michael Jackson features, even giving statistics on the percentage of their news coverage was devoted to Jackson.

During this segment, the host displayed how outraged he was with Jackson declaring a number of times how he had spent "millions of dollars on himself!".

Now, correct me if I'm wrong but it is no ones business what Michael Jackson, or anyone for that matter spends their money on. If they work hard and earn a lot of money, then too bloody right they're entitled to spend it on themselves, or whoever they damn well please.

Mr O'Reilly also failed to notice the hypocrisy in spending the majority of his show complaining how much coverage the death of the King of Pop was receiving on other stations.

Andy's first media muppet award is well earned Bill. Welcome back.

Had your chips (or maybe not)

Why do the makers of vending machines always put the crisps at the top?

If anything is going to get stuck on it's way down, it is that bag of crisps that you just had to have. You put your money in, type in the number and half expect them to get stuck on the way down.

Surely some bright spark can come up with the idea that the one item that always gets stuck might be better placed lower down so it has less distance to fall and therefore less chance of getting stuck??

Either that or just make the space between the items and the glass window just half an inch further apart.

Simple.

The sand is a billion degrees and I do not feel like wearing flip flops!

We went down to Galveston this weekend which was supposed to be a nice relaxing break.

We'd been there approximately before I almost collapsed from exhaustion for the first time.

If you've never been to Galveston then I will explain that all of the beach houses there are up on stilts as it has a habit of getting in the way of hurricanes which bring devastation, along with flooding.

This means that when you empty the car to take your things into the house you have to climb a flight of stairs before you even get in the house.

Then, some bright spark decided that the living room and kitchen area would be up another flight of stairs.

We only go for the weekend but when you have a Wife and two dogs, it takes a number of trips to empty the car. Did I mention that this is in 100 degree heat?

The second time I almost died on my relaxing weekend, I was carrying a bag of stuff, a couple of chairs and an umbrella to the beach. Oh, and two dogs who were sharing a lead so one was pulling the other all over the place.

As soon as we set foot on the sand Busby started screaming in pain which was his way of telling us that the sand was about a thousand degrees and we must be joking. I took the dogs back to the house and set off back to the beach, carrying my bag of stuff, two chairs and umbrella and also burning my own feet on the thousand degree sand because my Wife insisted I wear flip flops like 'a normal person'.

The third time my Wife almost killed me (it was her idea to go for a relaxing weekend at the beach house) was when we headed down to the beach on Sunday with some friends.

This time as there were more of us going you'd expect that there were more people to carry the load but oh no, it just meant that we had to take a lot more stuff so add all of their own belongings to the extra chairs, and an additional gazebo thingy that weighed a ton. Luckily the gazebo thingy was on wheels which was useful, until we got to the sandy part of the beach anyway.

Despite being a hurricane survivor, this latest trip to the beach was too much for the gazebo thingy and it refused to be as easy to assemble as the directions promised.

Trying to keep spirits high the male fraternity decided to play some football on the beach and despite putting Zidane to shame with my silky skills, my feet decided they disagreed with the sandy surface and decided to blister, badly. The sand was helpful as it attempted to fill the blisters which meant I had to spend the afternoon ripping the skin off my right foot and trying not to scream like Drogba while trying to clean it.

The fourth and final time I almost dropped dead was when it came time to reload the car and make the same trips up and down the many flights of stairs in the same billion degree heat.

The good news is it's the 4th of July this week so we have a long weekend coming up and we can do it all again.

The King is dead

Michael Jackson died today. This is sad news but while watching one news channel there was a definite sign of how far we have fallen from reality and real 'news' when across the bottom of the screen there was a scrolling bar with "Breaking News".

And do you know what the breaking news was? I quote:

"MC Hammer Tweets: I have no words. I loved Michael Jackson. RIP."

Hold the phone a minute... MC Hammer...on Twitter...is news??

Fair enough, the death of one of the most famous musicians of our time is big news, but bringing us MC Hammers' thoughts via Twitter? Seriously?

Are we so desperate to hear the thoughts of 'celebrities', and I use that term in the loosest possible sense, rather than medical experts etc?

It is indeed sad news, and at times like this you can't help but think of the kids.

Obviously the biggest part of all this insania is that we now need a new King of Pop. My vote goes to Peter Andre, or Coca-Cola but Andre could do with the boost since splitting up with Jordan.

I'm tempted to wear black to work tomorrow as a mark of respect. Or maybe white. It makes no difference.

Michael Jackson will be missed. He may not have been relevant recently but he really touched me when I was younger.

Out of all this though I mostly feel sorry for Farrah Fawcett. She finally succumbed to cancer today only to have her thunder stolen by Michael Jackson.

Managing for four year olds

I'm on a course with work this week called 'Managing for Performance'.

It's intended to give you skills on getting the best out of your team. Fair enough so far but I found the first day very American and childish. It'd be much better titled 'Managing for four year olds.

I'm 31 now but I'm over all the 'introduce yourself to these people you've never met and will never see again and tell them a little bit about yourself that they do not give a shit about and probably won't even listen to.'

There are some interesting things we covered on day 1 but there was far too much 'hey, here's something to read, now split into groups and discuss it amongst yourselves.' It's a pretty easy gig for the 'instructor' who can sit at the back of the room while the people who are there presumably because they don't know much about the topic in hand try and some up with thew answers themselves and generally talk shite to each other.

You always get the same kind of people at these things as well. There's always the old guy who questions everything the instructor says even though he knows everything already. There's always the joker who is easily the funniest person he knows, and the older lady who's a bit scatty and has to be told everything 11 times.

There's one woman who sounds exactly like Whoopi Goldberg who turns every example round to Manager's not treating everybody fairly and the same. After the third mention of this in the first 10 minutes I realised she must have been talking from experience. But you know what, I still didn't give a shit because I don't know you Whoopi, and we will never meet again.

Did I mention that anyone who returns from a break late or whose cell phone rings has to sing in front of everybody? Seriously, we had adults, who are all Manager's within the company remember, singing I'm a little teapot (with actions), or Old MacDonald had a farm (with pig noises).

The icing on the cake was just as we were leaving when the instructor told us to make sure we took everything with us, except for our nameplates because she's going to move everyone around like musical fucking chairs so tomorrow I have to look forward to a different muppet trying to show me how great they are and how they should actually be giving the class.

And I have three days of this. At least they provided lunch.

Stop spoiling my viewing, I do not have the attention span of a 1 year old!

Why do TV channels show you what is coming up on the show you're watching during the commercials?

I can understand it if it's a chat show but some channels will reveal spoilers for no apparent reason as though they think we'll just stop watching half way through if we don't know how it will end!

Do American audiences really have such short attention spans that they have to know what they're about to watch instead of waiting and seeing the show develop in it's natural order?

BBC America are one of the worst culprits. We were watching Primeval the other night and during each commercial break they show you what is going to happen later in the show. They even show you what is going to happen later in the series, including the return of long gone or presumed dead characters.

What is the point in that? Thanks very much. Now I won't need to watch the whole thing so your plan backfired.

The BBC in Britain is a commercial free station funded by the licence fee so I can understand how they have to stretch a forty minute show into an hour for BBC America (which is a commercial station) but do they really have to reveal plot spoilers?

It's probably because I watch a lot of BBC America but other channels do it and it is very annoying!

Up early

Why is it impossible to have a lie in at weekends?

We get up early in the week as Houston society dictates that 7am is a reasonable time to start work everyday so at night I find myself falling asleep in front of the TV.

This also gets me in trouble as for some reason my Wive hates the fact that I might be tired and want to sleep. I get poked, have things thrown at me or she goes the old fashioned way and just shouts at me to wake me up again. Apparently we have to watch the TV 'together'!

Anyway, because we're in the habit of getting up early in the week, the same thing happens automatically at weekends. It's 8am now but I've already been awake for over an hour.

Actually, it might be a good job I'm up early as our gardener has just turned up! Why would anyone think it was a good idea to cut someones grass at 8am on a Saturday?!? Even if I hadn't woken up the sound of a lawnmower right outside my bedroom window would wake me up!

London Town

Britney Spears took her "Circus" to Manchester this week and while on stage shouted to the crowd "How are you doing London?".

I'm sick of the complete and utter morons in the US who do not know the difference between England, Britain, and London!

I am Mancunian first, then I am English, and finally British. Do not even think about calling me European.

Don't tell your friends you know someone from London. Not if you're talking about me anyway.

And while I'm on, no I don't know John from London who you met on holiday a few years ago. I am not related to the Queen and no, I don't know what it is she does all day.

Do some research. Learn some Geography, then come back and talk to me.

No 'wear' to be found

I've just been to the shop to buy some new camouflage pants and I couldn't find them anywhere!

I've been trying to find some for weeks no but no where has them.

What is going on?!?

Dead arm

How is it that women know just where to hit a man's arm to cause it to go numb and be very uncomfortable?

Is it something they teach you in school when they send the boys out to play football so they can talk to the girls about periods and then use any time at the end to throw in a few useful things like dead arms and manipulation?

My Wife is the master of the dead arm but as usual I was the innocent party. She was commenting how one of my armpits creates a lot more sweat than the other and when I pointed out the huge spot on her forehead to deflect attention from me she administered the shot in the arm asking "why would you say such a thing?". Because it nearly had my eye out that's why!

Then she tries telling me that another whack in the exact same spot will miraculously take the pain away.

I may have been born at night love, but it wasn't last night. Nice try!

Real news has the night off

I've posted before about the local 'news' and tonight was one of those rare nights where I switch on the TV and before I can put on a dvd or flick through the recordings on my DVR I caught a few seconds of news.

I switched off after a few seconds but unfortunately not before the two (w)anchors introduced themselves before informing me that Greg Hirst has the night off.

I'm sorry...what? Greg Hirst has the night off? Well why didn't you say so? Surely news this fucking groundbreaking should've interrupted all media outlets as soon as it was known? A full page ad in all national newspapers should surely have been taken out the minute his vacation request form was signed?

I have no idea who Greg Hirst is but I'm guessing he's that fella who seems to be the only white person on any of the local news channels in Houston.

Why not take this one step further and actually make Greg's night off the first item on the news? One of the none entities who has just told me their name can tell us all about Greg's night off. "Greg was seen in the Starbucks drive through before heading off to the Target store just off Westheimer. He followed that up with an unbelievable trip to the movies with his wife after shockingly being turned away from Bowl-a-rama as it was senior couples intermediate league night and he hadn't booked a lane. Maybe they could even interview a couple of eye witnesses from the bowling alley to give us the inside story.

And while I'm on, why do they have to tell us their names? I don't give a shit who you are. You're just some muppet reading an autocue wearing very thick make up, thick hair, and even thicker facial expression. And why are all the women seemingly cross eyed? Is it the wonderful make up job or are they trying really hard to read the words while looking both intelligent, sophisticated and sexy all at once?

Newsreaders are not celebrities. We don't tune in to see them. It isn't the Greg Hirst show. His absence doesn't need explaining because it would not be noticed!